Leave the 99

           Usually, we avoid going to church on Father’s Day at my house. It is just hard on my girls to be reminded that their earthly dad is not present anymore. But what I want for my girls more than anything is for them to focus on their relationship with their Heavenly Father. We did go to church this year and I am so glad we did. The message was very powerful. I am not sure I took away everything the pastor was meaning for me to understand. He was talking about the story where God leaves the 99 sheep to find the lost sheep. If you aren’t familiar with the story it is analogy for how God is our Shepherd and as a good shepherd would keep the herd safe, God would leave the 99 sheep to go and rescue the one lost sheep. A lost sheep without a shepherd is helpless. But God is so concerned about the lost sheep. God is concerned with me. He is concerned with my daughters. He cares deeply about our afflictions and pain. God does not want my children to be fatherless. He does not want this affliction to make them helpless. God is a good Father. Just like the song we sang today; God has always been faithful and always will. Both of my girls sat beside me today in service. One with her hands lifted in praise and one with tears running down her face. At that moment all I could do was thank God for always being faithful and pray that he would keep seeking after my two children. I prayed my children will stay close to God and see that God loves them. I prayed that the pain of missing their dad would fade. Today didn’t have to be a day to avoid but instead a day to celebrate the love of God and family.

Faith

This Christmas is a little different around my house.  But one thing remains and that is the tradition of Christmas Eve service at church. This year the sermon was about humility and how it plays a role in the story of Jesus. It was also about faith.  My favorite part of the service is always the end with the candlelight and singing of Silent Night. But this year, as I began to sing, I choked. Tears flowed down my face as I attempted to sing. I just let them. I am holding on to that word faith as we move into Christmas and the New Year. The pastor said that “we have to have faith and believe that Jesus has everything I need”.  Those words have been echoing through my mind these last few weeks. No matter the current circumstances, no matter my fears, Jesus is everything. During a recent time spent with my dad, he told me this is where faith comes in. We must make the decision to believe that God is working all things out for our good. For me, that means He is working out all things for my family and close friends. Other than my own plans for Christmas tomorrow, I really don’t know what the future brings. My prayer right now is that God will help me with my faith. I will work to be humble and have faith.  

Merry Christmas everyone!

Decisions- Just do the next right thing!

How many decisions do we make a day? Internet sources indicate we make around 35,000 decisions a day! Whoa! How many of those decisions are made based on parenting? As a mom, single mom, I feel like most of those decisions revolve around my parenting. From the moment of conception, we had to start making decisions. I have been thinking a lot about decisions lately and how our decisions can predict our outcomes. I have made decisions of-

Disposable vs Cloth

Bottle vs Breast

Vaccines vs Unvaccinated

Baby Wise vs Intuition

Cry it Out vs Cry with

Timeout vs Spanking vs losing privileges

Public school vs Private school vs Charter school vs Homeschool

Working career vs Stay at home

and the list goes on and on.

                What I am learning along the way is that there really isn’t a wrong or right answer to these choices. I chose for each kid at the time what I thought was right. The saying, I did the best I could at the time. This is true. At times I wish I could change some of these decisions but not because of regret but rather because I wonder how the different choice would have changed things. I have learned to take criticism and suggestions with a grain of salt. That my own motherly instincts are usually close on target. I am grateful for the women and men in my life (mainly my dad) that speak truth into me and are there when I need advice. Sometimes I am afraid of making the wrong decision.

                Did allowing them to cry it out (most of the time) lead them to a life of anxiety and trust issues? Did vaccination change the metabolic system and leave them susceptible to disorders? Did spanking my children when I was angry cause damage to them. Let’s be honest, I was never calm and deliberate with this form of punishment. Hence, why I stopped a long time ago. Did not spanking send them the message they could run the roost? Is working full time preventing me from being the mom they need? And on and on and on the debate goes in my head. Rarely do I switch to the positive when debating my decisions. However, at the end of the day I believe with my heart that I have done the very best I could at the time.

                My latest decision was placing my oldest in residential care in TN. I have debated with myself over and over again if that was the right decision. Did I do everything possible to prevent this from being the solution? Did I exacerbate all other options before relenting her to placement? Is this what is best for her or should I be researching and advocating for something else? The answer to all of these questions lies not in the answer themselves but in my faith.

                I am coming to realize that I need faith. I must trust that the God of my understanding loves me and loves her. I must believe. After all, that is what faith is all about. Believing in that which we can not see or understand. I believe we can make mistakes and yet God will take care of it. So, if this decision turns out to be the wrong one, God can change it too.

                In another post I mentioned my support system. There have been countless prayers, calls, texts, and acts of kindness in relation to this last decision. I have felt and appreciated every single one of them. I often don’t know the answer for “how can I help” because I don’t really know what helpful right is now. So just keep praying and loving on us the best you know how. That’s all anyone can do- the next right thing.

God's Got This

When you take on the responsibility of becoming a parent and raising children, there’s certain things that go along with that. Such as sleepless nights, tantrums, sick days, and bills. But you can never be prepared for being the parent of a child born with special needs. When your child has a disability your whole outlook on parenting changes. Those early years I just floated through each developmental change. When we reached a milestone, I cheered loudly for both of my girls. Once they were both in school, I just knew the tough years were behind me. What I didn’t anticipate was that trauma would enter our world and change our lives forever. I didn’t know that I would sink into deep depression or that at age 8 my beautiful oldest would be diagnosed with a mental illness. Years and years of medical trials with medications and hospitalizations and we would get some sort of semblance of a “normal” life again. I know that my own depression impacted the relationships between myself and my friends and my children. I didn’t realize that my own inability to deal with trauma would cause more problems for my kids. I wish that I could go back and change that. But what comes next, the years after regaining myself, is something that I can barely describe. You would think that given I have kids with disabilities and a huge church and family that my support system would be enormous. The crazy part is that is exactly the truth. I have had family and church support me and my girls 100 percent. The other truth is that sometimes it is hard to know how to support and help. Right now I am walking a hard road with my oldest. I know many have said it is just the teenage years and it is to be expected. But it is not just the teenage years. Sure, sometimes it is teenage hormones and stubbornness. But then there is the behavioral component and the resistance to therapy for psychiatric needs. So, while I am enjoying Christmas movies on Hallmark, and cocoa with marshmallows, it is definitely not the Christmas season I was hoping for this year. She is in another state in yet another residential program. I am heart broken. I am her mom. I should be able to manage her at home. Love conquers all, right? No. I love her so much but it isn’t enough right now. The truth is that my support system can’t live with me and help me with her 24/7. As a single mom of kids with special needs, I find my friends narrowing. So many pray for us and do nice things for us but no one can live this with us. I miss having dinners with friends, having friends that are constantly in our lives, vacation friends, Saturday night friends, just a phone call away for fun friends. The truth is being our friend is hard right now. It is hard to accept our trials. It is hard to be around us. I don’t fault anyone for not being able to fill that position. I am grateful for the call me in an emergency friends and the I am praying for you friends. We need lots of prayers right now. This stage of her life is harder than the last. I am trying not to wish time away but I am wishing for happier times.  

So, in the meantime, I will remind myself that the God I believe in is either everything or He is nothing. So. I must trust in God and ask him to help me with my unbelief. God- I know you got this! I give my children to you, my life to you, and my hearts’ desires to you.

We are moving!!!

We are not literally moving, but this blog site is moving. I am so excited to share with you that this blog has officially changed over to my own independent host site. This will allow for me to work towards my goal of inspiring others. I want to encourage people, especially women, that hope is always around the corner. One day I hope to be a published author but until then I will just blog and hope that you and other readers join me online. My new site is - 

crystaldfoster.com

Simple as that! So come join me. Leave comments. Engage in conversation with me. 

You can also find me on Facebook - www.facebook.com/reflectingvoiceofhope

Twitter: @crystaldfoster

Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/crystaldfoster 

I look forward to meeting up with you at the new blog! 

Crystal Foster 

crystaldfoster.com

Reflecting the Voice of Hope
Personal Blog- Crystal D Foster 

Mother's Day--All about "ME" or Not

It’s Mother’s Day 2014 and I am in a very different place than I was even a year ago but a much different place than I was several years ago. For the first time in years I was excited about Mother’s Day again. However, I have always had the misconception that Mother’s Day was to be set aside to honor “me” once I became a mom. In so much that I thought like others that I would have a day of no work. Someone would do all the things that I normally do to make the universe operate and I would get the day “off duty”. Well, I got a dose of reality today and finally learned my lesson that Mother’s Day really isn’t the all about “me” show.

Don’t get me wrong, my children did honor me in their own way as best as a 5 and 8 year old can without assistance from adults. I awoke very early to my oldest ushering me downstairs to breakfast. She served me fresh cut, washed, and sugar added strawberries with a bowl of Special K and a cup of milk. It was precious and delicious. I was quite impressed with her skills and delivery. Then I was met with the gifts that each girl had made at school with the help of their teachers. They were sweet and funny. Kaitlyn’s card was accompanied with bath salt so I could take a relaxing soak. Kyleigh’s card was an interview about mommy where she described me as an eight year old that likes the color pink and weighs 55 pounds. J

I had posted earlier on Facebook that I only wanted peace in my home for Mother’s Day. That came crashing down about 5 minutes post breakfast when my children stayed true to their little personalities and started the sibling arguments right away. So, the idea of taking off the “mommy cape” for the day just doesn’t work when there is no one around to jump in and referee for you. So of course, I was on duty. I was reminding them to “treat others the way you want to be treated” and “make wise choices” while all at the same time cleaning up the Mother’s Day breakfast dishes and mess created from cutting up the lovely strawberries.

We made it to church and I really enjoyed the message today on worship and centering your mind on worship. For weeks now I have had to really focus on calming the brute beast (Psm 73:22) in me when I get angry as the kids are in the midst of a tantrum or meltdown. It is so easy for me to get caught up in trying to fix it for them or stop their behavior that I get upset too. Instead, I am trying to learn to just let the Holy Spirit guide me to remain calm, remove myself from the situation, and regain my composure. I am much more effective and a better mommy when I am a “beauty” and not a “beast” as shared by our lovely Pastor’s wife this morning.

After church the girls and I headed to spend the afternoon with my mom. We had a great lunch. My mom had pre-fixed most of the meal so all that was necessary was to warm it up today. That’s when I also realized, “hey she didn’t get the day off duty either”. I mean my dad did help her in the kitchen because he always does as he is a great man but she still had to cook. Then she and I cleaned up after the meal was over. So a mother, no matter who they are or which stage of life, ever really gets to go totally “off duty”.  We spent some time outside blowing bubbles and giggling and just having fun. Some of us even caught a small nap, but I won’t mention any names.

The girls and I headed home and then we finished up Kaitlyn’s homework. That is work for me too! She has to have me sit with her one-on-one and sometimes it can be brutal. By this point I had truly let go of my thoughts on today being all about “me”. This day was about my children, family time, and memories. But isn’t that what every day of the year is about. So I am going to try not to get caught up in the fact that today didn’t meet the expectations of a dream world Mother’s Day where I was doted on all day long for the endless things I do to keep the universe in order for my family. Instead, I am going to be grateful for the blessings in my life, for my family, friends, church, and my amazing children.

To Kaitlyn,

I love you because you are kind and sensitive and your strong spirit will serve you well one day. My prayer for you is that you find the confidence in yourself to stand strong and be courageous. You are clothed in strength and dignity and you laugh without fear of the future because you are strong. Prov 31:25

To Kyleigh,

            I love you because you are my miracle child. You are my fighter and this spirit and will to press onward will serve you well one day. My prayer for you is that you find a way to show your softer side to others. You seek out ways to be kind and loving to the world. For love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor 13:7

To all Mothers,

            Happy Mother’s Day!

Psalm 127:3 Children are a gift from God

                                                                                                            Crystal 

Will You Say He is Good?

        Just a few days ago I lay on a cold hard table wearing a hospital gown and earplugs I had my body placed inside a small tunnel. While inside this tunnel, I had to lay perfectly still while loud sounds permeated around me. Sounds that mimicked planes, jackhammers, whirlies, tambourines, tinker toys, and many other loud noises. You get the picture. It was anything but pleasant. In the past, I was able to have my favorite music piped into the tunnel to soothe me but this time they were not set up for that option. I was slightly disappointed. So instead I lay in the tunnel and prayed. I prayed for God to just make the time go by quickly, to help me not to be concerned with the results, for God to help me not to move, for God to put me at rest and peace. I sang songs of worship in my head but not ones that would get me too stirred up because those that have seen me recently know that I can get really excited and move during a good song. Unfortunately, the MRI/MRA scan table was not my friend this time. I was in a lot of pain. The back of my head felt like it was being pinched and I could not take it any longer. I had to have them stop the machine three different times. I was in so much pain that I needed to move my head and massage it. By the end of the scan I was so relieved to be done but concerned nevertheless because I have had multiple MRIs and never experienced this sort of pain during one before. I have been waiting on the phone call since Monday morning. You know how it goes when you wait for that phone to ring, it never rings until you walk away and then come back and realize you have a voicemail. Well, I refused to have that happen. So today I decided to jump the gun and call them first. But before I did, I took a few minutes and spent some time with God.
      You see, I also had the privilege of sharing a portion of my testimony with some great ladies this morning after we talked about Job in the bible. Now I was quick to point out that I am nothing like Job and do not wish to be compared to Job because unlike Job, I have sinned and needed forgiveness. One thing I loved about Job even says, "should we accept only good from God and not trouble?' 2:10 Even Job, a man without sin, knew that he wasn't above persecution and suffering. Even Jesus himself suffered while on this Earth, so what makes us think we are better than him? Why should we think we are above suffering? I am not Job, but I have faced trials, small and large, and from these trials I have learned a few things. One thing I have learned is that you can get to the light. There is hope! So before I picked up the phone today seeking results I prayed-

              Dear God, 

                  Let me not forget that you have brought me through so many trials already. If this is not the         

                  news I want to hear let me praise you anyways. Let me trust you already have a plan and 

                  that you will work it out. God, let me rest in you and have faith that everything will be okay. 

Then I dialed the number. The receptionist/nurse told me she would call me back shortly. In the meantime I was reading a devotional and these verses catapulted off the page: 

Jeremiah 17:7, “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.” (NIV)

1 John 5:14, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” (NIV)

So here I was asking the Lord to give me the desires of my heart but do so in His will. That if it is to be that I endure more suffering to help me accept that plan over my life and not react with the panic, knee jerk reaction that I always have when things go wrong. These verses were clearly telling me that I could have confidence that no matter what I could trust that He knows my wants, desires and needs. So I quieted myself and I waited, not knowing what the answer would be and praying I would respond with grace.

Within minutes my cellphone rang and Jennifer, the receptionist/nurse, spoke these simple words of truth that were music to my ears - "EVERYTHING LOOKS STABLE"! Praise you Lord! Blessings!

I do need to followup with my neurologist because the symptoms of tingling and numbness are persisting but I believe that it will stop because it has in the past. I am relieved to know that the hand of God is upon me once again! I guess my next trial will just have to wait, but I promise you I am not immune and my time is coming because with every mountain top--there is a valley. The difference for me this time is I am armed and ready! 

What about you--will you say He is good? 

Isaiah 12:2
See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The LORD God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory."

Mommy--What If?

         Each night is the same bedtime routine at my house: 

medicines

brush teeth

read books

lights out (except night lights)

sound machine on

prayers and kisses

This past Saturday night instead of me walking out the door after kisses, I found myself holding my oldest while she cried. I waited until her crying was soft and she could talk. Those that know my daughter can appreciate that she is wise beyond her years in some ways yet quite sensitive and still very young at the same time. She expressed her fears in the following statement: 

"Mommy, What if I wake and you are dead? What if you die and go to heaven and it is just me and Kyleigh? What will happen to me? What will I do? Who will adopt me? Will anyone love me? Who will take care of us?"

I grabbed that little face, wiped away her tears and did what any mother would do. I kissed her. I told her that she is safe and she is loved. I told her that as far as I am know this mommy isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I don't have any plans of heading off to heaven, I don't have a ticket punched or bags packed. I told her that our God, her Heavenly Father has already planned out our days before we were even born and He knows those plans. He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. So our God is not going to do anything that is going to hurt us. I told her that she has a mawmaw and a pawpaw that love her very much. I reminded her that she has people at church that love her and her sister very much. I told her that people are standing in line to care for her and Kyleigh if anything ever happens to mommy. But then I told her she needs to give that fear to God because it has no place here. I reminded her that daddy made a choice that mommy will NEVER make (yes-there was a time in my past that I could not have boldly made this statement) and that although she misses daddy she will see him again. 

        I ended the night praying over her the verse from 2 Timothy 1:7 - "for God gave has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control". Today I found another verse about sweet dreams from Proverbs and I have posted both verses above the girls beds. Kaitlyn is always asking me to pray that her dreams are sweet and peaceful and her thoughts are good thoughts so this next verse was perfect. Proverbs 3:24 "When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." The great thing about this is she found great comfort in these verses being written above her bed. She loves prayer and she truly trusts that God has her best interest at heart. I know this will help her through this season of grief we are in right now. I know these questions are far from being over and one day I will one day endure hearing them from the youngest. It's natural. It's reality for these little girls. But it doesn't have to be their destiny! And that is what I love about the whole thing is truth- they are going to overcome!! (1 John 4:4) They can overcome the past that was given to them and the generational curse of this world. They have hope and a future. (Jer 29:11) He promises to restore the years that the locusts have eaten! (Joel 2:25) Our God is just that great and He loves us just that much and more! 

Is it a "Happy" Valentines' Day? Changing the Perspective-

So I wonder how many women are sitting at home today sulking? Sulking because it is Valentine’s Day. That holiday that comes once a year but is decorated in every store, celebrated in every restaurant and commercialized by every jewelry store in America – the cupid, the red, white and pink, the day of “love”. I have been guilty of it myself. Even when my husband was alive, I would be bitter if he was working at school and Valentines’ Day was on a weekend because I wanted that day to be all about “me”.  I would be at home with the kids and wonder, “how dare he go off to work and leave me home with the kids on the day of “love”?”. I mean sometimes going away to work is easier, let’s just be honest. Staying home and entertaining children and keeping up with the house is not an easy task. So I wonder how many women are in that boat today, mad at their spouse because they are at work either by force or choice?

Or how about the woman that was in a relationship but is recently single whether it is a break up from a boyfriend or divorce, either way that is a harsh reality on a day like today. I imagine today is hard for them. They are either playing it off as no big deal, and silently crying behind closed doors, angry at the entire day and its shenanigans or still in a state of shock. Maybe you have always been single, no kids and maybe no pets. That is also a road that isn’t easy to walk. What about the single mom that wishes her knight in shining armor was right around the corner with roses and chocolates? Actually she probably just wishes for a babysitter—hahaha!  Anyways, this day has the potential to be so discouraging to so many people—men and women actually. I don’t mean to have a one-sided conversation. I realize there are single men out there hurting just as badly and raising children alone too. I just am writing from my own experience as a flying solo woman in this world.

What I hope you and others take away from this entry today is that your Valentines’ Day doesn’t have to come from all the energy you put into your spouse or significant other today. In fact, if you are putting your faith into a human to meet your needs of intimacy and love then you are going to be truly disappointed every single time. The truth is that humans cannot fulfill the deepest needs and wants of intimacy that we have. I am not talking about sex here, I am talking about “love”. I was guilty of this too. That waiting for my husband to come home and make my “Valentine’s Day” complete, was thinking he was the key to love. The concept of , “I can’t live without him or her” is another false belief of “love”. You CAN live without your spouse and you should go on living without them. You lived before they came along so why should things change when they leave? That was my biggest mistake and I would do anything to help someone else avoid this mistake. You can’t find your identity and shouldn’t find your identity in your spouse or significant other. They will never truly satisfy you. Instead, look up and see that the God that created you and me is truly and madly in love with us. He wants to be your Valentine. Not just on February 14^th but every day of the year! God created us in his image (Gen 1:27) and to do good works that he ordained in us before he created us! (Eph 2:10) In other words, God didn’t think about us after the fact, he created us for a purpose! He wanted us, he loved us, he wants us, and that my friends is love!

            Maybe you are reading this and you wonder if God is love then why are you single? Or why do I feel alone in my marriage? Be encouraged my friend that God knows your hurting heart and he is just waiting for you to bring your hurt to him. You are not meant to walk this journey alone.  Maybe you have been praying about this situation for a long time. I prayed for deliverance from my pain for almost two years. Two years!!! For us, that seems like forever but to God that is just a moment in time. So don’t give up. Keep praying and have others stand with you in prayer. Maybe you are reading this and you don’t have this intimate relationship with God that I am talking about. You wonder how I can freely talk about prayer and love on Valentines’ Day given my past. It’s easy. God is my Redeemer. He loves me unconditionally. In him there is no condemnation of my past. He holds no records of wrongs like a spouse would and he sent his one and only son Jesus to right all of our wrongs.

            If you do not know the Lord Jesus Christ as your Saviour, if you have never accepted Him in your heart, if you have never asked God to be your Father, then simply reach out to him today and make this a Valentine’s Day to remember. Pray this prayer-

                        Dear God,

                                    I know that I am sinner. I know that you have

sent your Son Jesus to save me from my sins and he

died on the cross for me. I ask you to come into my heart

today. In Jesus name.

                                                            Amen

You see, it wasn’t magical and no fairy dust appeared. You probably didn’t float about as you prayed either (I hope not anyways). But if you prayed this today, the next step is to reach out and tell someone. Call a friend at church, call me, get to a church on Sunday and connect to someone so you can continue growing in your spiritual walk with God. You can’t go wrong from here! God doesn’t expect you to clean up your mess first, he wants to bring you in the house with mess and all, then you can clean up. Kind of like what us moms did this week during the snowstorm. We didn’t make our kids undress on the front porch. We brought them inside, slushy mess and all, then we cleaned them up! God is even better than the best mom!

            I will leave you with this – words from Laura Story “Blessings” – when you get a chance listen to the entire song, it’s a good one! It helps remind me that despite all the bad stuff and circumstances that God is still sovereign and his love for me is undying. He is my Valentine!

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

And all the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

So I may be snowed in with my two kids and have cabin fever. I may not get my yellow roses and favorite Japanese dinner this year, but I am still blessed beyond all I deserve. I have loved and been loved. I have life and I am living life like I never lived it before. I am truly happy and it isn’t because of a box of chocolates- although that does help (just keeping it real !).

So do something nice for yourself. Celebrate YOU! Celebrate the life God gave to you! Relish in the love of God!

Happy Valentine’s Day 2014!!!    

    Love to All- Crystal 

A Mommy's "Time Out"

        I had to be real with myself this Sunday morning as I stood in the worship service and sang the words, "You are Good" by Bethel Church. I was convicted of a whiney heart. Yes, I, the mom that can't stand it when my children whine. The mom that puts them on their bed to think about and reflect on what they really want to say needed a "time out" today. Recently, I have been so consumed with what has been going wrong in my little world. If I was honest with myself, I have had a good old fashion pity party with me, myself and I in my bed with the covers pulled up to my head at night. But what has that accomplished really. I have vented and whined to anyone and everyone who would listen about my petty problems. The same person that just a few weeks ago scorned people for forgetting about being grateful they weren't facing real problems in this world like cancer and daily hunger and homelessness. That was me, hypocrite, a person looking for sympathy from a crowd of people that I hoped would stand in my corner and tell me I was right. I wanted, like my children, validation for my whining.

       Can I tell you something, during that song this morning, as the words flowed from my lips, I found myself pausing to confess to God that I was a whining mom and I needed a "time out". I needed a new perspective on the tough times I was facing. As the song says, "in my darkness night, you shine as bright as day" I must agree that God has always come through for me regardless if I have felt his presence, spent time in prayer, or whined like a baby because the truth is my relationship with Him isn't based on what I deserve. If that was the case then what I deserve is much worse than a "time out". But God loves me no matter what and in Him is no condemnation but total forgiveness when we come to him and confess that we have made a mistake. I confessed to Him at that moment that I was sorry for being whiney this week and that I needed Him just as much today as I have needed Him before today. I need Him to direct my path and guard me against decisions that I make out of desperation instead of out of prayerful consideration and waiting on His guidance. 

        After that I was able to really participate in worship today and release the guilt and shame I had placed on myself for being selfish this week. I am making it my anthem to follow through with the words of this song this week -- "I'll sing because you are good, and I'll dance because you are good, and I'll shout because you are good, you are good to me!" May my life celebrate with praise from my lips that no matter what in sunshine or rain that God is good to me and that circumstances of this life and people in this world do not determine my attitude. Only I can determine my attitude and I no longer want to be a "whiney mom" but instead a mom that models to her children and others how to handle the bumps of life with dignity. 

            

Our "normal"

      It's been a while since I have written to you as an audience. I have been re-writing my book and taking some time to reflect on life. We have been busy in the Foster household this year. Kyleigh turned 5 in December. It was a wild celebration day as it was a high of 66 degrees while we played at the Little Gym. Quite different from the previous four years of ice and snow with temperatures freezing. Unfortunately she still had very few friends show up at her actual party this year and they couldn't blame it on the weather this time so I must admit I was disappointed but she didn't seem to mind, as she still smiled and had fun. That's the beauty of being a child, they don't seem to be bothered by the same things that us adults get all worked up about. In fact, she was just happy to be able to jump around to music and eat cake!
      Shortly after her birthday of course we celebrated Christmas with my family in Thomasville and then again in Lexington, SC. My niece, Amber had come in from Ohio and so we traveled to see her and it was a great visit and meal by my sis-in-law. Which, may I congratulate her on becoming a registered nurse as well - Elizabeth Kelsey-Maynard, LPN-RN -- Whoop! Whoop!! So very proud of all her hard work! (I hope I put all of the initials in there correctly, I am sure she will tell me if I didn't).
Then just a few days later, after packing like a mad woman, my church family came and moved us from our home to a 2 bedroom apartment just 10 minutes down the road.
       Yes, that is correct--I sold our home and we moved on December 28, 2013! It was totally a God thing as the house went on the market right before Halloween, went under contract November 25th and signed on January 3rd. Talk about a quick sell! We are settled now in our cute little apartment. I am happy here. In fact, it is nice to have less space to take care of, a maintenance crew to call when things break and need fixing. The girls share a rather large bedroom, they were able to keep their own beds. Both bedrooms have a walk-in closet, which for an apartment is a great accessory. There is a patio and storage area attached to my room. We also have a little sunroom off the living room that works as a play area too. It is just enough space for us. The girls were able to remain at their current schools and that was also important to me. Kaitlyn is very attached to her teachers and other staff at Pearce and they love her. Kyleigh is in preK and changing her now would be very difficult. I am still on medical leave with the state department.
         I am working on re-writing the book that I self published. I am excited about the opportunity to attend the SheSpeaks conference in July with Proverbs31 Ministries. I hope to meet with a publisher and get my name out and possibly if it is meant to be get a contract. I want to return back to the work force but I have no idea what that looks like for me right now. I do know that it doesn't look like returning to full time teaching. So until the door opens and I have a clear cut answer, I wait and I pray and I write.
        I have come off of most of my medications. I am doing very well medically speaking. I am using Essential Oils now to help manage my migraines. They are helping me tremendously as well as going to the chiropractor once a month. I believe there is a connection between your health and your spine. I also believe that we have moved away from using healing treatments of the past that were proven to work such as Essential Oils. I truly believe and I can say from experience that if Frankincense Oil was good enough for baby Jesus then it is good enough for me to use to control my migraines. Trust me when I say it along with the combination of other oils has helped keep me away from emergency rooms and pain killers since Thanksgiving! I am so grateful for learning about this natural way of treating migraines.
         Another major thing that has occurred since my last entry is that we have reached our "normal". What does that look like? What does that mean exactly? I remember hating it when people said to me back in 2011, "you will find your new normal one day". I just wanted to punch them and scream. Honestly, I wanted to say to those people, "So when you woke up today were you hoping to find a new normal?". Of course not, no one wants to find a new "normal". Re-doing life is hard and painful and for lack of a better word- it sucks! I remember sitting with a close friend from church and we tried so hard to come up with a word to describe how hard this journey was going to be and there was not a single word in the thesaurus that fit better than "sucks". I didn't want "new normal". I just wanted things to go back to how they were before May 13, 2011. I wanted my "normal". Come to find out in this journey of healing that I have been on, my life before 2011 wasn't "normal", it was far from normal and it wasn't healthy. I had to endure a lot of growing since that awful day. My children are still dealing with the after effects of that day. But the good news is we are reaching "our new normal".
        I remember the day very clear. It was January 8, 2014 and we were walking across the parking lot of the grocery store to the car. We had just returned back to the car from going inside to use the restroom and we were holding hands, interlocked, and swinging our arms back and forth as we walked. There was a slight breeze in the air and the sun was shining just so through the clouds as if the rays were wings of angels. I could almost hear singing. Right then, at that very moment a smile crept across my face and a giggle bubbled up from inside my soul to my lips and out of my mouth. My girls and I skipped to the car hand in hand as if this is what we have always done our entire lives. Just us three, together. It was NORMAL. We were Happily "even" after the storms of life had tried to take us down.
There you go--I gave you a little glimpse into my book with that last sentence. I hope you are smiling with me right now knowing that we are doing just fine.

Blessings from the Foster Girls!

A Change of Pace

As of June 14, 2013 I will no longer be employed by Guilford County Schools. I am going to be staying home. I will be mom, volunteer at school and church, and whatever else this new path leads me down. I am excited about the change and nervous at the same time. It is going to be challenging to live on such a tight budget but I know we can do it. I am taking a huge leap of faith and trusting God to meet our needs as He hasn't let us down in the past.

Choosing to Believe

          I have begun a study on Jonah: Navigating Life's Interruptions by Priscilla Shirer and it is absolutely wonderful. Of course, I know the Sunday School version of Jonah and the big fish but delving deep into the story of who Jonah was and who God changed Jonah by allowing an interruption to become a divine intervention in his life is a whole different story. After reading today the study asked of the readers to write in the margins something we depend on God for in our lives. My answer was that I am totally dependent on him to meet my needs for finances, help me in raising my girls and making decisions that impact our family.
          Before praying I decided to listen to my new Phillips Craig & Dean CD "Breathe In". The song "I Choose to Believe" is on this CD and I had never heard it before today. But when it played my dining room/living area became a praise and worship ground for Christ as well as an altar of prayer. Here are the lyrics but I encourage you to seek out the song for yourself to hear them sing it so you can worship too.

Verse 1 
Didn't take long for my whole world to change
One phone call now life will never be the same
It's like I'm watching my whole world go dark
Nothing makes much sense but still with all my heart

Chorus
I choose to believe
And never give up hope
God is good 
He's in control
I'll keep the faith, and trust in His ways
And even when His face is hard to see
I choose to believe

Verse 2
It's easy to believe when everything goes our way
But we're all gonna go through fires that test our faith
Life hurts so much that we can hardly breathe
We're begging to know why? But it's such a mystery

Chorus

Even when my world is shaken
even when my heart is breakin'
Even when it seems He's takin' so long

Chorus 

      As verse 2 began I found myself on my knees before God thanking him for being there the past two years and not giving up on me when I was frustrated and giving up because things weren't and hadn't gone my way. My faith had been tested in a way I never imagined it could be and I thanked him for pulling me out of the pit of fire and back into the safety of His arms. Truth is He never promised me a life without trouble and pain so it shouldn't have been a shock that life can and does hurt so bad that it takes your breath away. I will never have my answer to the question of why. After a lot of praying I found that God met me right in my kitchen today. I hope you can join me and emphatically say, "I Choose to Believe", if not then consider finding out how loving my God is and make the choice to follow Him today.
       

Not Immune

So it seems you can avoid catching a cold and other winter illnesses but you can't be immune to the side effects of medicines. Monday Kyleigh was added to the family diagnosis of mood disorder and given the drug Abilify but for her it is a little strong so we have to make sure she eats first otherwise she vomits badly. In addition, at the same exact time Kaitlyn begins an out of the blue fever and sore throat and is being tested for strept. It has definitely been a week here in the Foster household. But I can't complain because we have avoided the FLU and I praise GOD for that. I also am thankful that I AM NOT sick and I continue to pray it stays that way.

Thanks and keep us in your prayers.
Crystal

Christmas 2012- A Long Journey Worthwhile

It is Christmas Morning 2012 and the girls are sleeping soundly because it is still only 3:45 am. I have tossed and turned all night long and can’t seem to rest completely. I am eager to see how the girls react not only to their Santa gift but also to their gift from me. I probably did the single mother guilt overboard gift giving this year as I purchased them both a mini iPad. However, they both know how to use them and they both use mine and fight over using mine so I figured I might as well get them one their size and let them use it for their benefit. I put games and activities appropriate for each child on their tablet. They will be so excited in the morning. I also bought mom and dad their very own iPad this year and I pray they also enjoy theirs. For mamaw she is going to be thrilled with her blanket with all the grandchildren’s names and our family names on it. She will enjoy tremendously the thought it took behind such a gift. She will also enjoy just watching the girls, as their granny, she is thrilled, just to be a part of their lives and I am blessed to still have her around.

            My parents opened their “stocking bag” last night and we played the first game of Deluxe Scrabble together. It was a lot of fun. Mom beat me by one silly point. Yet, she still won fair and square. Dad on the other hand tries his best to make words that are slang sound like real words just to make his words fit on the board, it is too cute to watch and listen to him try and elicit and reason behind his thought process. Regardless, it was fun just playing a game with my parents like we did back a long time ago when I was a child still at home. I miss those days.

            We had no trouble convincing the children to go to bed because they were so tired and they wanted Santa to come on to the house quickly. My dad even fibbed and told them he saw on the radar that Santa was in Virginia headed towards Raleigh and then Greensboro. The girls were familiar with the location of Raleigh and so they quickly didn’t argue and fell fast asleep. I was able to finish their stockings and prepare their Santa gifts quickly. Santa brought them name puzzles, books with their own bear and name, sleep light pillows, and a Karaoke machine. I think I am most excited to see them use the Karaoke machine myself.

            I realize this is the 2nd Christmas we have spent the night with mom and dad. This year feels different, it feels better. I am less stressed and less emotional at this very moment. Of course that can all change in a matter of minutes but last year I was still crying constantly. I am so thankful to feel some release. I still miss the presence of Dennis on these big holidays and can’t help but think of the impact it has on the children but I stand on the promises of God that he is our Father and He will never forsake us and that maybe, just maybe, Dennis regrets his decision and he is spending this Christmas in tears wishing he could come home. 

It amazes me how far along this journey we have come as a family of three but we haven’t done it alone. In fact, we aren’t a family of three anymore. We are a mom, two little girls and a huge church family, friends, and grandparents that support us financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically the past year and a half. My girls have grown to be loved and nurtured by so many people and some even more so than myself. I have been nurtured and learned from so many women and men of God as well. My life has forever been changed.

The past year and a half I have sought out ways to punish myself for not being a good mother, for not being a wife that could intercede on behalf of Dennis and prevent the decision he made, for not being the teacher everyone expected me, for not being emotionally strong as I wanted and others expected from me after a period of grieving. I began self-injurious behaviors, attempted suicide, isolation, entered deep depression, and suffered severe panic and anxiety attacks. Some of these symptoms still plague me today but they do not define who I am. Why? Because who I am is a child of God and I am His creation. He made me wonderfully and beautiful. He doesn’t wish for me to harm myself anymore. He has plans for me to prosper (Jer 29:11). He wants me to simply rely on Him for the strength I need to cope with the panic, anxiety and depression that I face as a result of my diagnosis of a mental illness. He doesn’t wish that this keep me from sharing His word or reaching women with my story.

Instead, God has given me a clear vision of a path that shows one day I will share this painful yet beautiful journey of challenges that changed my life forever with many women so that they may also be blessed and understand that they too can be forgiven and live through tragedies that life brings their way. Until then, I wait for the whisper of the Holy Spirit to speak to me, I soak up His word like a sponge, I follow doctor orders while on medical leave of absence, I attend counseling sessions for help with my own emotional well-being, and I work hard to be the best mom that God would have me to be for my little girls. I want to be the best Jesus they ever see this side of heaven.