Unanswered Questions

So I have started this blog entry a million times over in my head but just now getting around to writing it all down. So many questions running through my head since May 13^, 2011. Sometimes I find myself answering the question in my own head and other times waiting as if God is going to speak through a burning bush and tell me exactly what I want and need to hear.

I wrestle with the whole concept of you are never given more than you can handle comment that I have heard so much the past weeks. Really?? This kinda goes back to my previous entry a year or more ago about the 90/10 principle. How 90 % of what happens in life is how you react to the 10% unpreventable. Still don’t believe it.

How can the God I loved for so many years think I could be strong enough to handle so much in such a short amount of time, or is it God? I don’t think it is God but then why hasn’t he intervened, or has he? I don’t believe my God makes bad things happen. I wonder why they happen and why he doesn’t fix it for my happiness. I wonder why he didn’t intervene and prevent it being “all knowing” that he is and all. But then I remember that there is another power at work in our lives and he works against us all the time, a demonic power. And just maybe this time the demonic forces are sitting back laughing and thinking they have me and my family right where they want us-vulnerable, scared, and alone.

Well, I am vulnerable, scared but not all alone. I have my family surrounding me. My mom, dad, brother, sis-in-law, best friends, church and community. I am lonely without the love of my life by my side. I am scared of what the future holds for me and my girls. I am vulnerable waiting on doctors to mend my brain. I am subject to crying at a moments notice over anything, weeping with my children or smiling while I listen to their innocent giggles.

I don’t know what the next hour holds for me. I don’t think Dennis did this on purpose or willfully. He would never leave me despite the lies in my head daily that say, “he left you alone to bear this burden”. He loved me. He loved his children. He was an amazing father and husband. But to Dennis he was alone. My prayer is that no one else ever endures the pain he felt that led him to the decision on May 13^th that forever changed my life. My prayer is that even I will reach out in my darkest hours. I promise myself to keep going but I can’t wait until I spend eternity with the man I was meant to grow old with.

I continue to be amazed by the outpour of love and support to me and my family. I ask that you still give us time to cope and me to heal before too many visits. Thank you for the monetary help, food, cards, and most of all love.

Sincerely,

Crystal

Balloons and Doves

Yesterday was the balloon release at Shadybrook to honor Dennis. I went into his office prior to the event and felt such a peace in his office as if he was there with me all along. I only took a few personal items this time. Each person was given a balloon to release in his honor.

Significance of the Dove-

At our wedding Dennis and I held the ceremony of the doves. Doves make lifelong partners. At the balloon event and for the past several days a lone dove has been hanging out at the playground at Shadybrook. I think it is his way of saying, "I'm still here". Around our home and my school have been doves. A lone dove was in front of our home the other morning. Such peace in knowing he is still here.

I love you Dennis.

Sadness in our Home

Tuesday, May 10, 2011 I have an MRI/MRA scan at Greensboro Imaging.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011 I have one of my worst headaches and stay home from school to recover 1/2 day. I find the results out by the doctor's office calling to check on me and finding I was having a migraine again they sent me to the ER. The MRA detected two brain aneurisms.

Thursday May 12, 2011 Dennis and I met with a radiology interventionist at Moses Cone Hospital. He described my two aneurisms as being opthalamic paired (one on each side of the brain). I must have surgery to repair. Surgery should happen within the next 2 weeks and then repeat the other side in 3-4 weeks.

Friday, May 13, 2011 Dennis falls under the pressures that had been weighing him down for so long and took his own life at our home while we were all sleeping.

This was the worst day of my life.

Saturday and Sunday are all a blur.

Monday, May 16th I privately viewed his body, his wishes were to be cremated although we have had many a disagreements about the topic I honored his request and held only a private family viewing. I had a long talk with Dennis that night and I still have unanswered questions but I will never forget that moment with him.

Tuesday, May 17th 2011 Memorial Service in his honor were hundreds came to celebrate his life, yet all I could do was mourn his death.

Wednesday, May 18th another day that passes me by as I long to be with my best friend. Another day my girls cry out for their daddy. Another long day.

Thursday, May 19th I sit here wondering when will we all move out of this deep dark sadness. I miss him.

To my husband, father of my children, my very best friend, Dennis James Foster, Jr.

I will always love you and be "Amazed".

So BIG

Kyleigh is growing in leaps and bounds in so many ways. She is more and more verbal each day. She is seeing so much better after this last surgery. Her eye pressures are normal. We have eliminated most of her drops. She is patching 1-2 hours a day but using a really cute glass cover patch instead of the stick on kind. She is eating chicken like it is the best food ever and it is so cool to watch her at the dinner table now. Most recently, she has surprised me with her recent potty training event. She initiated this entire ordeal on her own one Saturday when she pulled her pants down, verbalized something while pulling at her diaper and continued until I guessed that she was wanting to potty. She went to the bathroom, lifted the toilet seat and said "otti". It was adorable. From that moment on we have given her freedom to go to the bathroom whenever she asks as well as we have prompted her at times to go use the potty. We even pulled out the more comfy small sized toddler potty for her. Her teachers at school have also been reinforcing going potty with her.

Today at school she earned stickers every time she initiated going to the potty and actually pee-pee in the potty. Additionally, she "pooped" in the potty today! Yep, you go it...my little girl did her big girl business on the potty! Whooop Whooop! I am one excited mommy! Starting tomorrow she will be wearing training panties (you know the thicker kind of panties but not diapers) during the daytime and only diapers at nap and bedtime. I am sure we may go through many outfits in a given day at first but we are willing to try and she seems ready. Either way, she has made GREAT progress and we are so VERY PROUD.

Also, Kaitlyn is growing so fast too. She has really taken off with her reading lately. She is learning and retaining more and more sight words. She is reading books to us and enjoying it. We are SO VERY PROUD of her as well.

Looking forward to more and more changes as this year moves along.

Hurdles

Kyleigh jumps a hurdle (eye surgery), recovers quickly, just in time to face another hurdle-pneumonia. She has had this cold for quite a while now and as of this past Wednesday it was still just a cold plus she had pink eye. Last night she started running a fever of 102.0 and with Tylenol it only went down a bit before bed time. She went to the doctor this morning and it sounds like pneumonia. Doctor's orders to keep her separate from Kaitlyn, breathing treatments 3 times a day, and Augmentum. If her fever persists come back to the office on Monday or if worsens over the weekend to seek treatment at the hospital. She has been sleeping most of the day. Prayers that she will heal quickly.

Surgery Outcome

Kyleigh did great this past Wednesday during her surgery. She waited very patiently in the pre-surgical area as it was almost 1:30 before they took her back for surgery. Shortly after she was becoming anxious and fussy they provided her a pre-med mixture that calmed her down and brought back her smiles. We weren't sure at first if she was smiling at how goofy mommy looked in the OR outfit or if it was the medicine working but we think it could have been a combination of both events. I was able to accompany her back to the OR for the "monkey gas" that puts her to sleep. She sat in my lap and tried to "lick" the air as the nurse to her "smell the bananas". I guess she was so hungry that she was trying to eat the gas. Because she wouldn't allow the mask on her face completely, some of the gas leaked up my way as I held her and it was slowly taking affect on me as well. Luckily as soon as the nurse escorted me out to fresh air I was able to shake off the feeling of sleepiness. Kyleigh drifted off to sleep and they lay her on the table as I kissed her forehead and went to wait with Dennis. It was so difficult to walk away but I knew she was in good hands with all of the doctors and nurses on board.

It was projected to last an hour and half but it was less than an hour when Dr. Freedman emerged and gave us the good news that Kyleigh did wonderful. Dr. Freedman was able to remove the cataract regrowth material from her eye and fully examine both eyes. Her retinas, optic nerves, and other tissues were intact and looking good. She told us to return Thursday morning for a post-op appointment where they would check the eye incision and pressure.

It was a little past 3 before they came to get me to go back with her in recovery. There are 2 recovery rooms and she has to stay a minimum of 30 minutes in each setting. The first room she is supposed to take clear liquids before being released. However, this time she slept the entire 30 minutes in the first room which is why it took them so long to call me back because they waited until she was waking to come and get me. As soon as I arrived to the room they were ready to move her to stage 2 recovery and offer her some apple juice.

The nurse said her vitals were great and if she would tolerate it she could have apple juice and some crackers. She hadn't tried to speak yet until the nurse went to remove the electrodes and take her temperature she raised up and with a very froggy voice said, "no-no" and laid back down. I guess she was saying leave me alone already. It was cute and she had already won the hearts of all of her nurses by that point. She did great sipping on the juice and taking small bites of graham cracker. Thirty minutes passed quickly and they were ready to discharge us to go home.

Once removing the IV port we started to get her dressed when she leaned over and puked all over my leg. Nice! Poor baby girl was being hit by a wave of nausea from anesthesia for the very first time ever. Given she has had many surgeries and never thrown up before we were a little surprised this time. She continued to vomit as we got her dressed but she handled it so gracefully and her daddy was a big help with leaning her forward and reassuring her she was okay. I tend to freeze up and under-react when my kids vomit so I wasn't much help at all. Since the IV was already out they were unable to give her a dose of Zofran and it would've meant re-inserting an IV to give her nausea meds and we didn't want to put her through that procedure either. Instead, the nurse gave us provisions of buckets, chuck pads, and tissues for the ride home. Dennis rode in the back with her and I drove home. She threw up a few more times and slept as well. It was pitiful.

We arrived home, stripped my clothes and hers as she continued to throw up. I think this was one of the worst parts of the day. She didn't want anything else for a while. She lay on my lap on the couch and chilled for about an hour until her color in her cheeks returned and she was ready for some more juice and crackers. By nightfall she drank some milk and was ready for bed. The other sad part of the day was when we had to place the no-no's on her arms again to prevent her for messing with her eye during the night.

She will continue to wear the eye shield and no-no's in bed for the duration of the weekend to protect her for causing accidental injury to the eye as it heals and the stitches dissolve. She is a trooper though and for the most part has been really great. She is a little clingy and whiny at times but that is to be expected.

Her post-op appointment was Thursday morning at 7:45 am and despite the snow flurries and dusting we all traveled to Duke for this appointment without any trouble. She did great for Dr. Freedman as she gave her eye drops, checked the pressure, did an ultrasound and examined the eye. Everything looked great except her pressure was higher than we like. It was in the 20's and prior to surgery it was 10 or less. So Kyleigh will return next Tuesday for a re-examination and pressure check to see if healing of the eye has helped the pressure to drop. She is also on a round the clock regimen of eye drops including ones for pressure. The doctor is hopeful that the pressure will go down and she will closely monitor to make sure it remains this way. We love Dr. Freedman!

As I type this she is begging for my attention so I will go now and play baby doll with my own sweet baby girl which if I am being honest is not so much a baby anymore. Thanks for all of your prayers and support.

Upcoming Surgery and Update on Girls

Tomorrow at 11:15am Kyleigh will have another eye surgery at Duke Eye Center. She regrew the cataract on her left eye so she must have it removed to allow for sight in this eye to not be hindered further. The surgery itself isn't that difficult but it is the preparation before, the recovery after, and the cloud of possible problems looming over head that causes me anxiety. Kyleigh can not have food after midnight and considering she isn't a big fan of dinner time, the last meal she had was at school today. She can have a sippy cup of milk in the morning if we wake her up at 4:45am and she drinks it by 5am. Then she can only have water or apple juice until 9:15. Our arrival time is not the surgery time so we are not really sure how long it will be before she is actually taken back for the surgery but she is definitely going to be hungry by that point. After surgery, she is usually pretty fussy from waking up out of the anesthesia. Luckily we don't have to spend the night, instead we can come home once she is awake and has drank something substantial. The ride home can be just as difficult if she is no longer drowsy from being put under, her eye hurts, the bandage bothers her, or any number of things. The other part is the risk of surgery on her left eye is glaucoma setting in this eye too. So far she only has glaucoma troubles with her right eye which was the cause of eye surgery last year to place the implant drainage tube (shunt). It would be great to have this surgery go smoothly and the outcome be that her vision is restored and no problems come after the fact.

Other updates...

Kyleigh is talking up a storm lately. Today at school her teachers reported that she finally used a sentence to say, "help me please", when she couldn't get her pear on to her fork. Oh my goodness, that made me so proud that I almost cried. We are working so hard on her using her words to ask for help instead of crying and this is a major step. She also said her teachers names today, "jessie" and "k k" for Kimberly. So proud!

Kaitlyn is doing well in school. She got her report card and it shows that she is improving in her reading. Although she is still behind, most likely related to vision, she is receiving lots of support and high fives from her teachers, therapists and us at home. She is taking more steps to write on her own and have fun with writing. She is becoming more and more confident in her own self. We are are so proud of her too!

Stay tuned...more updates to come soon.