Journaling---Writing a Book

So many have complimented me on my writing abilities. I have been journaling my thoughts and emotions for a while now and I am starting to compile them into a book. I don't know if I will ever seek publication. However, it is my story. My journey through this life - current nightmare, that I pray has a happy ending. So who knows, maybe one day I will let you read it too.

Grieving is Hard Work

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with a counselor from Hospice of Pallative Care. She was so kind and let me just cry, something I needed to do. I have been working on healing both physically and emotionally now for almost 6 months and this was my first visit at Hospice. She shared with me this letter that I think says it all to those who care about me---

Dear Friends and Family,

I have experienced a loss that is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps year, for me to work through the grief I am having because of this loss.

I will cry more than usual for some time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or lack of hope or faith. They are the symbols of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am beginning to recover.

I may become angry without there seeming to be a reason for it. My emotions after all are heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times.

I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else. If you don't know what to say, just touch me or give me a hug to let me know you care. Please don't wait for me to call you, I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for the help I need.

Don't allow me to withdraw from you. I need your more than ever during the next year.

Pray for me, only if your prayer is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith is not an excuse from the process of grief.

If you, by chance, have had experience of the loss of a spouse to suicide, then share with me. You can't possibly make me feel worse if your experience is similar.

This loss is the worst thing that could happen to me. But I WILL get through it and I WILL live right again. I WILL not always feel as I do now. I WILL laugh again and enjoy friends and family again.

Thank you for caring about me. Your concern is a gift I will always treasure.

Love Crystal

Strong...yet weak

So many people lately have stated, "you are so strong". This phrase always sends me into a state of shock. I am anything but strong. I am at my weakest point to be honest. The reason I appear strong is because I have people all around me holding me up. They aren't physically holding me up (not always). But they are emotionally holding me up when all I want to do is crawl up into the fetal position and cry the days away. I long for the day I see Dennis again. I seek peace and comfort and yearn for happiness again. Until then, I rely on the strength of everyone around me and prayers for discernment in decisions I make. Others say, "you are strong and it must be because your girls need you". When actually it is because I am forced to accept this and I must bring myself through it as well as raise my children to be the least effected by the crisis of losing their earthly father as possible. I can sometimes put up the front that I am doing well when on the inside I am falling apart. I wish they made super glue for the heart, it would take a lot to rebuild mine. I appreciate the continued strength of friends and family and the prayers and faith put into action by everyone.

Four Months

Has it really been? Is it possible that I have gone four months without speaking to my best friend? Has it really been that long since our last moment together? Oh, how I miss you Dennis James Foster, Jr. I still love you as I did the day I said, "yes" when you were on one knee singing sweetly to me. Our babies miss you too. I hope when they call you on their play cell phones that you are answering in heaven and speaking directly to their heart how much you miss and love them. If I could only change the past, I would. Someone said, "we must move forward". I say, "we must never forget and take our time because we can never get back yesterday".

May the Lord watch between me and thee while we are absent one from another.

-- enscription on our first charm necklace and we recited it when we spent the night away from one another..I still whisper it knowing I will see him again

Missing

Today I walked into church with my two girls and something was missing. The same something that has been missing for almost 4 months now. I watched other cars pull up with couples, families, or even in separate cars but reunite at the building. It sent my heart into a million shattered pieces that no one was able to pick up off the floor for me today. I miss him every moment. I wish people would stop saying it will get easier. I wish people would understand that when I don't smile it isn't because I'm mad or something is wrong other than the obvious. I just miss him!

Follow Up Scheduled

I spoke to the neurosurgeon's office this morning and my follow up angiogram is scheduled for November 23rd. That is the first day of vacation in November, the day before Thanksgiving. All should go well, as long as the right side shows healing like the left I will go home the same day and have no restrictions the next day. I can still eat Thanksgiving dinner and enjoy the few days of break. Compared to brain surgery, this can't be too bad.

Aneurysm Update

Today I saw the neuro-radiologist surgeon that completed both of my recoiling surgeries to repair the aneuryms. He was pleased with my progress so far. He has me continuing on the Plavix for one month, 325 mg of aspirin daily for life, and repeat of an angiogram procedure in 4 months to check the right side and make sure it has completely healed. From that point, he will decide if I need a repeat angiogram or just MRA's to keep a constant watch on future development of aneurysms. As a young female that has already had two repaired, I am prone to develop more in my lifetime. However, I have never smoked and do not have high blood pressure which were two major risks factors for developing aneurysm to begin with. Ironic?? Anyways, I also asked about my two daughters being at risk and he said not at this time but as they enter adulthood they should be watched for risk signs and possibly have a MRA conducted between ages of 21 and 35 if they have similar symptoms and occurrences that led to my MRA.

For now, I am back to "normal" routine. I can drive again and take care of my children without assistance. This is a big step for us. The house is on the market and I am praying it sells quickly so we can begin a new start. I will return to teaching this fall and the children will return to school. I am praying the transition is smooth for all of us. Until then, we plan to enjoy the remainder of the summer with family and friends. Thanks for following us through this journey. We appreciate your continued prayers and support as the healing journey of renewal has only begun.