Monday, July 9, 2012

Cute Sayings

Lately I have been trying to identify cute sayings to remember and record from the girls.
Today was a perfect example. Kyleigh has really blossomed with her vocabulary but she doesn't always speak it in the correct way. Anyways, this morning I was taking the trash to the curb and my shadow was in the playroom eating but she realized I was not in the house. She all of a sudden came to the outside door and said, "my mommy, where are you?". I said, "I am right here". She replied, "oh tank goodness, I wuz wooking for woo everywhere". I thought that was so cute and funny. Then she proceeded to follow me around the house the entire morning until Ms. Becca arrived.

The other cute thing is between her and Kaitlyn-
Kaitlyn will you be my baby?
No, not right now Kyleigh.
Ugh...mommy, Aitlyn on't be my baby!

or.... woo on't to be my dog?


Imaginations! Yes, my kids are finally delving into the world of make believe play. It is so funny.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Lows, highs, and in Betweens

So today and pretty much this weekend I have spent time on the wheel of grief stuck in sad and angry. I reached out for support and found I was once again alone. That made it ten times worse. So, I decided to try and avoid the disappointment and ignore the hurt and pretend my life was perfect. It didn't work because I don't have a good poker face and I have decided wearing masks are for fake people. Thankfully, a good friend stopped by tonight with her daughter. Her daughter entertained my girls and Icely and I talked. I finally released bent up tears from the week. Icely prayed for me and the weight of the weekend lifted from my shoulders momentarily. I know this is just a season. I also know that this is a cycle and it is part of my life forever. I have no choice but to face it. I just need people willing, like Icely, to face it with me in the trenches- tears, snot and all.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

All Those with an opinion....Please rise!

Here's your chance.... You have something to say to me but don't want to say it to my face because you think it will hurt me or anger me, then Email me at or post comment on this spot.

Rumor has it that someone thinks the following:

You think it is easy to be me.
You think I should be well on my way to a new life by now.
The journey of grief should be over.
You could do my life better.
What it is it? You lost a family member too so you know how this feels----wait was it a spouse----wait....did they commit suicide....wait....did you find that person dead?

Be careful how you respond because words are powerful. Words are very powerful.

Pass no judgment that you are not ready to hear a response back from me.

No Migraine Here Tonight

Awesome! An entire day!!!! Booyah!!!!

A Not So Filtered Letter to Dennis

               So I wrote Dennis another letter today from the heart but it wasn't so filtered this time. Nope, I was pretty straight forward and angry with him. It was a lot about abandonment. Not just by him, but I blamed him for the abandonment of all the people that call me "friend". Yet day in and day out I sit by the phone that doesn't ring or barely a text comes through. Day in and day out I am home with my two children and often my only adult conversation is with my very funny nanny Becca who has become more of a friend than a worker, counselor or my parents. Church people have become "obligated friends" in that they check on me out of true Christian heart. Co-workers are caring but they are co-workers. College friends are too busy or live too far away. My closest friends say they just don't know what to say and it's awkward because of my anger, depression and pain.
               So my letter to Dennis was blaming him because I have every right to be ANGRY, DEPRESSED and in PAIN but I also have every right to have GIRL FRIENDS to celebrate LIFE with. GIRL FRIENDS that can separate from their spouses and children and have fun with me. GIRL FRIENDS that can invite me and the girls to be a part of their daily lives because they truly love us. So basically, I told Dennis while he was up there on the fluffy cloud to make sure he sent me some real honest to goodness women that can withstand the storms of life with me because it isn't a bed of roses around here. Send me women that can laugh with me over stupid stuff, go out and enjoy pedicures, movies, shopping, eating with and without kids, invite us over for play dates and truly be available in the heat of the moment.
              I can no longer go through this life, 14 months later, being the lonely widow. It isn't fair, I didn't ask for it. I still have hope and joy in my life and I want badly to share this with friends but I look around and I find prayer friends, bible study friends, "hi, how are you friends", let's meet at the park every blue moon friends and people that love me but no one really that wants to or can walk my new journey side by side. This breaks my heart and the letter you are reading is much more filtered than the one he received. I long for friendships. I need it for my next step in healing. Maybe it will happen soon or maybe it will take more time but I have learned that patience isn't a virtue that I hold in my basket of gifts.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Sneak Peak into Chapter One...Flash Back

My hand went to the garage door button immediately which caused it to close (it had been cracked) and my eyes went to the green hose that was duct taped to the pipe of his truck and running to the window of the driver side. I could see his head laid back on the head rest. I gasp for air. I hit the garage door button again while simultaneously calling 911. I begin screaming my address into the phone “HELP….6603 Highland Oak Drive….6603 Highland Oak Drive…HELP….Please someone help me…my husband is trying to kill himself….6603 Highland Oak Drive…..I need an ambulance NOW!!!!!”. At the same time I have run into the middle of the street in my pjs and barefeet screaming for “Help!!!” and then I run across to Bobby and Janet’s home and bang on their door and ring the bell while still yelling at 911 operator to help me. Janet answers with a panic look. Bobby asks me what is it? I point to the house, I scream, “He’s killing himself…stop him” “HELP ME”. I throw the phone at Janet and run back across to my neighbor the fireman and ring his doorbell and start yelling for him to come help too. His wife answers. I’m about to pass out.
 I can’t believe this is happening right now. This isn’t happening right now. What is happening right now? Someone please wake me up from this! 

Book Update

So with much thought I have decided "The Story of My Life" is lacking much detail. I have decided to continue editing and adding more to my book for now. I recently wrote a  dedication page. In some ways, writing brings healing for me. In other ways, it brings out emotions that force me to deal with things that have been pushed way down deep inside. Either way, I am thankful I have the gift of writing and I pray one day it will be published and used to help someone else that needs hope and encouragement.

Here's a sneak peak to my opening line:

             How can life start over? At age 33 I am asking myself this very question. 
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