Monday, May 30, 2011

Unanswered Questions

So I have started this blog entry a million times over in my head but just now getting around to writing it all down. So many questions running through my head since May 13, 2011. Sometimes I find myself answering the question in my own head and other times waiting as if God is going to speak through a burning bush and tell me exactly what I want and need to hear.

I wrestle with the whole concept of you are never given more than you can handle comment that I have heard so much the past weeks. Really?? This kinda goes back to my previous entry a year or more ago about the 90/10 principle. How 90 % of what happens in life is how you react to the 10% unpreventable. Still don’t believe it.

How can the God I loved for so many years think I could be strong enough to handle so much in such a short amount of time, or is it God? I don’t think it is God but then why hasn’t he intervened, or has he? I don’t believe my God makes bad things happen. I wonder why they happen and why he doesn’t fix it for my happiness. I wonder why he didn’t intervene and prevent it being “all knowing” that he is and all. But then I remember that there is another power at work in our lives and he works against us all the time, a demonic power. And just maybe this time the demonic forces are sitting back laughing and thinking they have me and my family right where they want us-vulnerable, scared, and alone.

Well, I am vulnerable, scared but not all alone. I have my family surrounding me. My mom, dad, brother, sis-in-law, best friends, church and community. I am lonely without the love of my life by my side. I am scared of what the future holds for me and my girls. I am vulnerable waiting on doctors to mend my brain. I am subject to crying at a moments notice over anything, weeping with my children or smiling while I listen to their innocent giggles.

I don’t know what the next hour holds for me. I don’t think Dennis did this on purpose or willfully. He would never leave me despite the lies in my head daily that say, “he left you alone to bear this burden”. He loved me. He loved his children. He was an amazing father and husband. But to Dennis he was alone. My prayer is that no one else ever endures the pain he felt that led him to the decision on May 13th that forever changed my life. My prayer is that even I will reach out in my darkest hours. I promise myself to keep going but I can’t wait until I spend eternity with the man I was meant to grow old with.

I continue to be amazed by the outpour of love and support to me and my family. I ask that you still give us time to cope and me to heal before too many visits. Thank you for the monetary help, food, cards, and most of all love.



Saturday, May 21, 2011

Balloons and Doves

Yesterday was the balloon release at Shadybrook to honor Dennis. I went into his office prior to the event and felt such a peace in his office as if he was there with me all along. I only took a few personal items this time. Each person was given a balloon to release in his honor.

Significance of the Dove-
At our wedding Dennis and I held the ceremony of the doves. Doves make lifelong partners. At the balloon event and for the past several days a lone dove has been hanging out at the playground at Shadybrook. I think it is his way of saying, "I'm still here". Around our home and my school have been doves. A lone dove was in front of our home the other morning. Such peace in knowing he is still here.

I love you Dennis.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sadness in our Home

Tuesday, May 10, 2011 I have an MRI/MRA scan at Greensboro Imaging.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011 I have one of my worst headaches and stay home from school to recover 1/2 day. I find the results out by the doctor's office calling to check on me and finding I was having a migraine again they sent me to the ER. The MRA detected two brain aneurisms.

Thursday May 12, 2011 Dennis and I met with a radiology interventionist at Moses Cone Hospital. He described my two aneurisms as being opthalamic paired (one on each side of the brain). I must have surgery to repair. Surgery should happen within the next 2 weeks and then repeat the other side in 3-4 weeks.

Friday, May 13, 2011 Dennis falls under the pressures that had been weighing him down for so long and took his own life at our home while we were all sleeping.

This was the worst day of my life.

Saturday and Sunday are all a blur.

Monday, May 16th I privately viewed his body, his wishes were to be cremated although we have had many a disagreements about the topic I honored his request and held only a private family viewing. I had a long talk with Dennis that night and I still have unanswered questions but I will never forget that moment with him.

Tuesday, May 17th 2011 Memorial Service in his honor were hundreds came to celebrate his life, yet all I could do was mourn his death.

Wednesday, May 18th another day that passes me by as I long to be with my best friend. Another day my girls cry out for their daddy. Another long day.

Thursday, May 19th I sit here wondering when will we all move out of this deep dark sadness. I miss him.

To my husband, father of my children, my very best friend, Dennis James Foster, Jr.
I will always love you and be "Amazed".

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