Leave the 99

           Usually, we avoid going to church on Father’s Day at my house. It is just hard on my girls to be reminded that their earthly dad is not present anymore. But what I want for my girls more than anything is for them to focus on their relationship with their Heavenly Father. We did go to church this year and I am so glad we did. The message was very powerful. I am not sure I took away everything the pastor was meaning for me to understand. He was talking about the story where God leaves the 99 sheep to find the lost sheep. If you aren’t familiar with the story it is analogy for how God is our Shepherd and as a good shepherd would keep the herd safe, God would leave the 99 sheep to go and rescue the one lost sheep. A lost sheep without a shepherd is helpless. But God is so concerned about the lost sheep. God is concerned with me. He is concerned with my daughters. He cares deeply about our afflictions and pain. God does not want my children to be fatherless. He does not want this affliction to make them helpless. God is a good Father. Just like the song we sang today; God has always been faithful and always will. Both of my girls sat beside me today in service. One with her hands lifted in praise and one with tears running down her face. At that moment all I could do was thank God for always being faithful and pray that he would keep seeking after my two children. I prayed my children will stay close to God and see that God loves them. I prayed that the pain of missing their dad would fade. Today didn’t have to be a day to avoid but instead a day to celebrate the love of God and family.

Faith

This Christmas is a little different around my house.  But one thing remains and that is the tradition of Christmas Eve service at church. This year the sermon was about humility and how it plays a role in the story of Jesus. It was also about faith.  My favorite part of the service is always the end with the candlelight and singing of Silent Night. But this year, as I began to sing, I choked. Tears flowed down my face as I attempted to sing. I just let them. I am holding on to that word faith as we move into Christmas and the New Year. The pastor said that “we have to have faith and believe that Jesus has everything I need”.  Those words have been echoing through my mind these last few weeks. No matter the current circumstances, no matter my fears, Jesus is everything. During a recent time spent with my dad, he told me this is where faith comes in. We must make the decision to believe that God is working all things out for our good. For me, that means He is working out all things for my family and close friends. Other than my own plans for Christmas tomorrow, I really don’t know what the future brings. My prayer right now is that God will help me with my faith. I will work to be humble and have faith.  

Merry Christmas everyone!

Decisions- Just do the next right thing!

How many decisions do we make a day? Internet sources indicate we make around 35,000 decisions a day! Whoa! How many of those decisions are made based on parenting? As a mom, single mom, I feel like most of those decisions revolve around my parenting. From the moment of conception, we had to start making decisions. I have been thinking a lot about decisions lately and how our decisions can predict our outcomes. I have made decisions of-

Disposable vs Cloth

Bottle vs Breast

Vaccines vs Unvaccinated

Baby Wise vs Intuition

Cry it Out vs Cry with

Timeout vs Spanking vs losing privileges

Public school vs Private school vs Charter school vs Homeschool

Working career vs Stay at home

and the list goes on and on.

                What I am learning along the way is that there really isn’t a wrong or right answer to these choices. I chose for each kid at the time what I thought was right. The saying, I did the best I could at the time. This is true. At times I wish I could change some of these decisions but not because of regret but rather because I wonder how the different choice would have changed things. I have learned to take criticism and suggestions with a grain of salt. That my own motherly instincts are usually close on target. I am grateful for the women and men in my life (mainly my dad) that speak truth into me and are there when I need advice. Sometimes I am afraid of making the wrong decision.

                Did allowing them to cry it out (most of the time) lead them to a life of anxiety and trust issues? Did vaccination change the metabolic system and leave them susceptible to disorders? Did spanking my children when I was angry cause damage to them. Let’s be honest, I was never calm and deliberate with this form of punishment. Hence, why I stopped a long time ago. Did not spanking send them the message they could run the roost? Is working full time preventing me from being the mom they need? And on and on and on the debate goes in my head. Rarely do I switch to the positive when debating my decisions. However, at the end of the day I believe with my heart that I have done the very best I could at the time.

                My latest decision was placing my oldest in residential care in TN. I have debated with myself over and over again if that was the right decision. Did I do everything possible to prevent this from being the solution? Did I exacerbate all other options before relenting her to placement? Is this what is best for her or should I be researching and advocating for something else? The answer to all of these questions lies not in the answer themselves but in my faith.

                I am coming to realize that I need faith. I must trust that the God of my understanding loves me and loves her. I must believe. After all, that is what faith is all about. Believing in that which we can not see or understand. I believe we can make mistakes and yet God will take care of it. So, if this decision turns out to be the wrong one, God can change it too.

                In another post I mentioned my support system. There have been countless prayers, calls, texts, and acts of kindness in relation to this last decision. I have felt and appreciated every single one of them. I often don’t know the answer for “how can I help” because I don’t really know what helpful right is now. So just keep praying and loving on us the best you know how. That’s all anyone can do- the next right thing.

God's Got This

When you take on the responsibility of becoming a parent and raising children, there’s certain things that go along with that. Such as sleepless nights, tantrums, sick days, and bills. But you can never be prepared for being the parent of a child born with special needs. When your child has a disability your whole outlook on parenting changes. Those early years I just floated through each developmental change. When we reached a milestone, I cheered loudly for both of my girls. Once they were both in school, I just knew the tough years were behind me. What I didn’t anticipate was that trauma would enter our world and change our lives forever. I didn’t know that I would sink into deep depression or that at age 8 my beautiful oldest would be diagnosed with a mental illness. Years and years of medical trials with medications and hospitalizations and we would get some sort of semblance of a “normal” life again. I know that my own depression impacted the relationships between myself and my friends and my children. I didn’t realize that my own inability to deal with trauma would cause more problems for my kids. I wish that I could go back and change that. But what comes next, the years after regaining myself, is something that I can barely describe. You would think that given I have kids with disabilities and a huge church and family that my support system would be enormous. The crazy part is that is exactly the truth. I have had family and church support me and my girls 100 percent. The other truth is that sometimes it is hard to know how to support and help. Right now I am walking a hard road with my oldest. I know many have said it is just the teenage years and it is to be expected. But it is not just the teenage years. Sure, sometimes it is teenage hormones and stubbornness. But then there is the behavioral component and the resistance to therapy for psychiatric needs. So, while I am enjoying Christmas movies on Hallmark, and cocoa with marshmallows, it is definitely not the Christmas season I was hoping for this year. She is in another state in yet another residential program. I am heart broken. I am her mom. I should be able to manage her at home. Love conquers all, right? No. I love her so much but it isn’t enough right now. The truth is that my support system can’t live with me and help me with her 24/7. As a single mom of kids with special needs, I find my friends narrowing. So many pray for us and do nice things for us but no one can live this with us. I miss having dinners with friends, having friends that are constantly in our lives, vacation friends, Saturday night friends, just a phone call away for fun friends. The truth is being our friend is hard right now. It is hard to accept our trials. It is hard to be around us. I don’t fault anyone for not being able to fill that position. I am grateful for the call me in an emergency friends and the I am praying for you friends. We need lots of prayers right now. This stage of her life is harder than the last. I am trying not to wish time away but I am wishing for happier times.  

So, in the meantime, I will remind myself that the God I believe in is either everything or He is nothing. So. I must trust in God and ask him to help me with my unbelief. God- I know you got this! I give my children to you, my life to you, and my hearts’ desires to you.

We are moving!!!

We are not literally moving, but this blog site is moving. I am so excited to share with you that this blog has officially changed over to my own independent host site. This will allow for me to work towards my goal of inspiring others. I want to encourage people, especially women, that hope is always around the corner. One day I hope to be a published author but until then I will just blog and hope that you and other readers join me online. My new site is - 

crystaldfoster.com

Simple as that! So come join me. Leave comments. Engage in conversation with me. 

You can also find me on Facebook - www.facebook.com/reflectingvoiceofhope

Twitter: @crystaldfoster

Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/crystaldfoster 

I look forward to meeting up with you at the new blog! 

Crystal Foster 

crystaldfoster.com

Reflecting the Voice of Hope
Personal Blog- Crystal D Foster 

Mother's Day--All about "ME" or Not

It’s Mother’s Day 2014 and I am in a very different place than I was even a year ago but a much different place than I was several years ago. For the first time in years I was excited about Mother’s Day again. However, I have always had the misconception that Mother’s Day was to be set aside to honor “me” once I became a mom. In so much that I thought like others that I would have a day of no work. Someone would do all the things that I normally do to make the universe operate and I would get the day “off duty”. Well, I got a dose of reality today and finally learned my lesson that Mother’s Day really isn’t the all about “me” show.

Don’t get me wrong, my children did honor me in their own way as best as a 5 and 8 year old can without assistance from adults. I awoke very early to my oldest ushering me downstairs to breakfast. She served me fresh cut, washed, and sugar added strawberries with a bowl of Special K and a cup of milk. It was precious and delicious. I was quite impressed with her skills and delivery. Then I was met with the gifts that each girl had made at school with the help of their teachers. They were sweet and funny. Kaitlyn’s card was accompanied with bath salt so I could take a relaxing soak. Kyleigh’s card was an interview about mommy where she described me as an eight year old that likes the color pink and weighs 55 pounds. J

I had posted earlier on Facebook that I only wanted peace in my home for Mother’s Day. That came crashing down about 5 minutes post breakfast when my children stayed true to their little personalities and started the sibling arguments right away. So, the idea of taking off the “mommy cape” for the day just doesn’t work when there is no one around to jump in and referee for you. So of course, I was on duty. I was reminding them to “treat others the way you want to be treated” and “make wise choices” while all at the same time cleaning up the Mother’s Day breakfast dishes and mess created from cutting up the lovely strawberries.

We made it to church and I really enjoyed the message today on worship and centering your mind on worship. For weeks now I have had to really focus on calming the brute beast (Psm 73:22) in me when I get angry as the kids are in the midst of a tantrum or meltdown. It is so easy for me to get caught up in trying to fix it for them or stop their behavior that I get upset too. Instead, I am trying to learn to just let the Holy Spirit guide me to remain calm, remove myself from the situation, and regain my composure. I am much more effective and a better mommy when I am a “beauty” and not a “beast” as shared by our lovely Pastor’s wife this morning.

After church the girls and I headed to spend the afternoon with my mom. We had a great lunch. My mom had pre-fixed most of the meal so all that was necessary was to warm it up today. That’s when I also realized, “hey she didn’t get the day off duty either”. I mean my dad did help her in the kitchen because he always does as he is a great man but she still had to cook. Then she and I cleaned up after the meal was over. So a mother, no matter who they are or which stage of life, ever really gets to go totally “off duty”.  We spent some time outside blowing bubbles and giggling and just having fun. Some of us even caught a small nap, but I won’t mention any names.

The girls and I headed home and then we finished up Kaitlyn’s homework. That is work for me too! She has to have me sit with her one-on-one and sometimes it can be brutal. By this point I had truly let go of my thoughts on today being all about “me”. This day was about my children, family time, and memories. But isn’t that what every day of the year is about. So I am going to try not to get caught up in the fact that today didn’t meet the expectations of a dream world Mother’s Day where I was doted on all day long for the endless things I do to keep the universe in order for my family. Instead, I am going to be grateful for the blessings in my life, for my family, friends, church, and my amazing children.

To Kaitlyn,

I love you because you are kind and sensitive and your strong spirit will serve you well one day. My prayer for you is that you find the confidence in yourself to stand strong and be courageous. You are clothed in strength and dignity and you laugh without fear of the future because you are strong. Prov 31:25

To Kyleigh,

            I love you because you are my miracle child. You are my fighter and this spirit and will to press onward will serve you well one day. My prayer for you is that you find a way to show your softer side to others. You seek out ways to be kind and loving to the world. For love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor 13:7

To all Mothers,

            Happy Mother’s Day!

Psalm 127:3 Children are a gift from God

                                                                                                            Crystal 

Will You Say He is Good?

        Just a few days ago I lay on a cold hard table wearing a hospital gown and earplugs I had my body placed inside a small tunnel. While inside this tunnel, I had to lay perfectly still while loud sounds permeated around me. Sounds that mimicked planes, jackhammers, whirlies, tambourines, tinker toys, and many other loud noises. You get the picture. It was anything but pleasant. In the past, I was able to have my favorite music piped into the tunnel to soothe me but this time they were not set up for that option. I was slightly disappointed. So instead I lay in the tunnel and prayed. I prayed for God to just make the time go by quickly, to help me not to be concerned with the results, for God to help me not to move, for God to put me at rest and peace. I sang songs of worship in my head but not ones that would get me too stirred up because those that have seen me recently know that I can get really excited and move during a good song. Unfortunately, the MRI/MRA scan table was not my friend this time. I was in a lot of pain. The back of my head felt like it was being pinched and I could not take it any longer. I had to have them stop the machine three different times. I was in so much pain that I needed to move my head and massage it. By the end of the scan I was so relieved to be done but concerned nevertheless because I have had multiple MRIs and never experienced this sort of pain during one before. I have been waiting on the phone call since Monday morning. You know how it goes when you wait for that phone to ring, it never rings until you walk away and then come back and realize you have a voicemail. Well, I refused to have that happen. So today I decided to jump the gun and call them first. But before I did, I took a few minutes and spent some time with God.
      You see, I also had the privilege of sharing a portion of my testimony with some great ladies this morning after we talked about Job in the bible. Now I was quick to point out that I am nothing like Job and do not wish to be compared to Job because unlike Job, I have sinned and needed forgiveness. One thing I loved about Job even says, "should we accept only good from God and not trouble?' 2:10 Even Job, a man without sin, knew that he wasn't above persecution and suffering. Even Jesus himself suffered while on this Earth, so what makes us think we are better than him? Why should we think we are above suffering? I am not Job, but I have faced trials, small and large, and from these trials I have learned a few things. One thing I have learned is that you can get to the light. There is hope! So before I picked up the phone today seeking results I prayed-

              Dear God, 

                  Let me not forget that you have brought me through so many trials already. If this is not the         

                  news I want to hear let me praise you anyways. Let me trust you already have a plan and 

                  that you will work it out. God, let me rest in you and have faith that everything will be okay. 

Then I dialed the number. The receptionist/nurse told me she would call me back shortly. In the meantime I was reading a devotional and these verses catapulted off the page: 

Jeremiah 17:7, “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.” (NIV)

1 John 5:14, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” (NIV)

So here I was asking the Lord to give me the desires of my heart but do so in His will. That if it is to be that I endure more suffering to help me accept that plan over my life and not react with the panic, knee jerk reaction that I always have when things go wrong. These verses were clearly telling me that I could have confidence that no matter what I could trust that He knows my wants, desires and needs. So I quieted myself and I waited, not knowing what the answer would be and praying I would respond with grace.

Within minutes my cellphone rang and Jennifer, the receptionist/nurse, spoke these simple words of truth that were music to my ears - "EVERYTHING LOOKS STABLE"! Praise you Lord! Blessings!

I do need to followup with my neurologist because the symptoms of tingling and numbness are persisting but I believe that it will stop because it has in the past. I am relieved to know that the hand of God is upon me once again! I guess my next trial will just have to wait, but I promise you I am not immune and my time is coming because with every mountain top--there is a valley. The difference for me this time is I am armed and ready! 

What about you--will you say He is good? 

Isaiah 12:2
See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The LORD God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory."