Saturday, December 14, 2019

God's Got This


When you take on the responsibility of becoming a parent and raising children, there’s certain things that go along with that. Such as sleepless nights, tantrums, sick days, and bills. But you can never be prepared for being the parent of a child born with special needs. When your child has a disability your whole outlook on parenting changes. Those early years I just floated through each developmental change. When we reached a milestone, I cheered loudly for both of my girls. Once they were both in school, I just knew the tough years were behind me. What I didn’t anticipate was that trauma would enter our world and change our lives forever. I didn’t know that I would sink into deep depression or that at age 8 my beautiful oldest would be diagnosed with a mental illness. Years and years of medical trials with medications and hospitalizations and we would get some sort of semblance of a “normal” life again. I know that my own depression impacted the relationships between myself and my friends and my children. I didn’t realize that my own inability to deal with trauma would cause more problems for my kids. I wish that I could go back and change that. But what comes next, the years after regaining myself, is something that I can barely describe. You would think that given I have kids with disabilities and a huge church and family that my support system would be enormous. The crazy part is that is exactly the truth. I have had family and church support me and my girls 100 percent. The other truth is that sometimes it is hard to know how to support and help. Right now I am walking a hard road with my oldest. I know many have said it is just the teenage years and it is to be expected. But it is not just the teenage years. Sure, sometimes it is teenage hormones and stubbornness. But then there is the behavioral component and the resistance to therapy for psychiatric needs. So, while I am enjoying Christmas movies on Hallmark, and cocoa with marshmallows, it is definitely not the Christmas season I was hoping for this year. She is in another state in yet another residential program. I am heart broken. I am her mom. I should be able to manage her at home. Love conquers all, right? No. I love her so much but it isn’t enough right now. The truth is that my support system can’t live with me and help me with her 24/7. As a single mom of kids with special needs, I find my friends narrowing. So many pray for us and do nice things for us but no one can live this with us. I miss having dinners with friends, having friends that are constantly in our lives, vacation friends, Saturday night friends, just a phone call away for fun friends. The truth is being our friend is hard right now. It is hard to accept our trials. It is hard to be around us. I don’t fault anyone for not being able to fill that position. I am grateful for the call me in an emergency friends and the I am praying for you friends. We need lots of prayers right now. This stage of her life is harder than the last. I am trying not to wish time away but I am wishing for happier times.  



So, in the meantime, I will remind myself that the God I believe in is either everything or He is nothing. So. I must trust in God and ask him to help me with my unbelief. God- I know you got this! I give my children to you, my life to you, and my hearts’ desires to you.

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