When you take on the responsibility of becoming a parent and
raising children, there’s certain things that go along with that. Such as
sleepless nights, tantrums, sick days, and bills. But you can never be prepared
for being the parent of a child born with special needs. When your child has a
disability your whole outlook on parenting changes. Those early years I just
floated through each developmental change. When we reached a milestone, I cheered
loudly for both of my girls. Once they were both in school, I just knew the
tough years were behind me. What I didn’t anticipate was that trauma would
enter our world and change our lives forever. I didn’t know that I would sink
into deep depression or that at age 8 my beautiful oldest would be diagnosed
with a mental illness. Years and years of medical trials with medications and
hospitalizations and we would get some sort of semblance of a “normal” life
again. I know that my own depression impacted the relationships between myself
and my friends and my children. I didn’t realize that my own inability to deal
with trauma would cause more problems for my kids. I wish that I could go back
and change that. But what comes next, the years after regaining myself, is
something that I can barely describe. You would think that given I have kids
with disabilities and a huge church and family that my support system would be
enormous. The crazy part is that is exactly the truth. I have had family and
church support me and my girls 100 percent. The other truth is that sometimes
it is hard to know how to support and help. Right now I am walking a hard road
with my oldest. I know many have said it is just the teenage years and it is to
be expected. But it is not just the teenage years. Sure, sometimes it is teenage
hormones and stubbornness. But then there is the behavioral component and the
resistance to therapy for psychiatric needs. So, while I am enjoying Christmas
movies on Hallmark, and cocoa with marshmallows, it is definitely not the
Christmas season I was hoping for this year. She is in another state in yet
another residential program. I am heart broken. I am her mom. I should be able
to manage her at home. Love conquers all, right? No. I love her so much but it isn’t
enough right now. The truth is that my support system can’t live with me and
help me with her 24/7. As a single mom of kids with special needs, I find my
friends narrowing. So many pray for us and do nice things for us but no one can
live this with us. I miss having dinners with friends, having friends that are
constantly in our lives, vacation friends, Saturday night friends, just a phone
call away for fun friends. The truth is being our friend is hard right now. It
is hard to accept our trials. It is hard to be around us. I don’t fault anyone
for not being able to fill that position. I am grateful for the call me in an
emergency friends and the I am praying for you friends. We need lots of prayers
right now. This stage of her life is harder than the last. I am trying not to
wish time away but I am wishing for happier times.
So, in the meantime, I will remind myself that the God I believe
in is either everything or He is nothing. So. I must trust in God and ask him
to help me with my unbelief. God- I know you got this! I give my children to
you, my life to you, and my hearts’ desires to you.
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