Kaitlyn's Eye

Kailtyn had surgery to implant a glaucomic shunt in her left eye on Wed, August 8th at Duke Eye center. She had Dr. M a retina specialists and Dr. Freedman the glaucomic specialists working together as a team. It was the same procedure Kyleigh had in February of 2011. Kaitlyn went back into the Operating Room like a champion and came out in Recovery the same way. She was so brave and I was so very proud of her. She experience an unusual amount of pain in comparison to her sister. However they shared the similar experience of nausea and vomiting after waking from the anesthesia. Thankfully I had Kathy White from DayStar, our children's director, with us because I do NOT handle vomit at all. Kaitlyn returned for post op the next day and found she had a corneal scratch the size of an adult contact lens. OUCH! No wonder she was in such pain. We were doing tylenol round the clock and continued this along with adding a gel-like lubricating eye drop to the regiment of already 8 eye drops a day to the left eye.
Friday morning she awoke and her eye was hurting worse and she it was not looking better. In fact, it looked worse and the lashes had goopy gross mucus on them. Not a good sign. So we call the doctors and you guessed it, we head to Duke for an afternoon appointment and see the fellow as Dr. Freedman is in surgery all day. The decision is made that she is probably having irritation from the lens and surgery itself. Her eye is probably extra lubricating and trying to force out what it sees as a foreign object - the band aid contact lens being used to repair the scratch. So they said to not worry and continue what we are doing and come back Monday.
     Except, she awoke Saturday morning and after crying through the night in her sleep she literally had her eye glued shut from the goop this time and her eye was more red and irritated. I immediate send an email and call the doctor. She calls back and asks me to send a picture of the eye. Then she said to wait and take another picture later in the day and if it doesn't look better she wants to see us at the emergency room that day at Duke. I was praying hard that we would avoid this fourth visit down the highway to Durham and praying that we could avoid an ER visit. When I sent the second picture the doctor was convinced that the eye was not infected but may be reacting to one of the drops. We stopped using one of the suspicious eye drops that could be causing an allergic reaction. We were using lubricant gel drops about every 30 minutes to an hour. We increased the tylenol to 3 chewables every 4 hours to manage the pain.
       Sunday morning, the eye has less goop but still complaining of pain and still has drainage. Unfortunately or fortunately, however you see it the contact lens came out today. Bad news is it may have come out too soon. Good news is they were thinking of taking it out tomorrow and this is one less traumatic event that the doctor will have to do to her in the office. However, this does mean I will have to add in another step of using an ointment under her eyelids tonight which is not an easy task as I can't let the tip touch her eye and she has to remain very still.
       At this time, based on Friday's visit, Kaitlyn has NO vision in her left eye. We are praying with expectancy that she will have a total healing and restored vision and lowered eye pressure in this eye quickly. Tomorrow, Monday, August 13th is another post op visit. Stay tuned for more updates.

Embracing Change...isn't an easy road

I recently made a very poor decision that I didn't think I was worthy to exist and be a mom anymore. Thankfully God saw differently. I was given the opportunity to attend His High Places again in Boone, NC for a full week of one- on- one counseling. The focus was where was all my anger coming from, what scared me so much about parenthood as a single mom, self doubt, and trusting God. My counselor was Natalie again and she is truly a gift of God sent to heal hearts. She helped me identify the roots of my anger and I found myself literally at the feet of Jesus cross and crying out for Him to heal me of this anger, to sever this sin so that it may not continue as a generational root into my children. I wantmy kids to see Jesus in me and love Christ and look back and say they knew they were loved by a Heavenly Father and Earthly Mother. I went on a nature walk with Natalie which turned into a trust walk with God. Trusting he would take care of us going down and back up from the blue hole. We took some beautiful pictures and saw some more angel rays. My confidence continued to grow as I spent time talking, reading, singing, and dancing through the word of God. Wednesday I drove back to Greensboro just to see an oncologist and get the best news that I am CANCER FREE! I was elated. The drive was well worth the good news. I returned the same evening humbled that God had once again spared me. By Friday, I had a plan for how I was ready to return hom a stronger mom and ready to unify as a family of 3. Only one problem, I am still under restriction of Child Family Services temporarily. I understand it is to keep my kids safe. I would never hurt them but the concern was I may hurt myself and they would be home alone. The good news is I have been freedom in Christ that the Shackles of Death have been removed from my feet and hands and I can dance and embrace life. I may never do it perfectly but I am ready to try and be the mom God sees and has in store for me. I think he has so much in store for me, more than I can even dream. I even feel a pull from the Holy Spirit that soon I may be on. A whole new path separate from this current one I am traveling.  The other gift God gaveme through this tragedy is He allowed me to release and truly forgive Dennis for suicide. For the first time I truly felt what it was like to be in that moment of darkness and pit and unable to turn around. I sympathize with him. I don't see him as selfish at all. I don't care what others say. I don't think he was cowardly. I think he was convinced by lies it was best. He will be missed but I have released him- soul, mind and body. He will always be my children's father and my love. But I have the freedom to move forward and that adds peace to my life. If God sees one day to send someone our way I will be very cautious but not resistant because I have released Dennis to Him. For now, my goal is to strengthen and unify the three of us as a family. Please join me in prayer that were success at this new journey now that my heart is ready.
Thank you to all who have supported in prayer, visits, calls, cards, child care, encouraging words, those that have withheld judgment, and those that continue to share life with us in this crazy life.

Cute Sayings

Lately I have been trying to identify cute sayings to remember and record from the girls.
Today was a perfect example. Kyleigh has really blossomed with her vocabulary but she doesn't always speak it in the correct way. Anyways, this morning I was taking the trash to the curb and my shadow was in the playroom eating but she realized I was not in the house. She all of a sudden came to the outside door and said, "my mommy, where are you?". I said, "I am right here". She replied, "oh tank goodness, I wuz wooking for woo everywhere". I thought that was so cute and funny. Then she proceeded to follow me around the house the entire morning until Ms. Becca arrived.

The other cute thing is between her and Kaitlyn-
Kaitlyn will you be my baby?
No, not right now Kyleigh.
Ugh...mommy, Aitlyn on't be my baby!

or....
Kait...lyn.....do woo on't to be my dog?

What?!!!

Imaginations! Yes, my kids are finally delving into the world of make believe play. It is so funny.

Lows, highs, and in Betweens

So today and pretty much this weekend I have spent time on the wheel of grief stuck in sad and angry. I reached out for support and found I was once again alone. That made it ten times worse. So, I decided to try and avoid the disappointment and ignore the hurt and pretend my life was perfect. It didn't work because I don't have a good poker face and I have decided wearing masks are for fake people. Thankfully, a good friend stopped by tonight with her daughter. Her daughter entertained my girls and Icely and I talked. I finally released bent up tears from the week. Icely prayed for me and the weight of the weekend lifted from my shoulders momentarily. I know this is just a season. I also know that this is a cycle and it is part of my life forever. I have no choice but to face it. I just need people willing, like Icely, to face it with me in the trenches- tears, snot and all.

All Those with an opinion....Please rise!

Here's your chance.... You have something to say to me but don't want to say it to my face because you think it will hurt me or anger me, then Email me at mommy2kaitlyn726@yahoo.com or post comment on this spot.

Rumor has it that someone thinks the following:

You think it is easy to be me.
You think I should be well on my way to a new life by now.
The journey of grief should be over.
You could do my life better.
What it is it? You lost a family member too so you know how this feels----wait was it a spouse----wait....did they commit suicide....wait....did you find that person dead?

Be careful how you respond because words are powerful. Words are very powerful.

Pass no judgment that you are not ready to hear a response back from me.

No Migraine Here Tonight

Awesome! An entire day!!!! Booyah!!!!

A Not So Filtered Letter to Dennis

               So I wrote Dennis another letter today from the heart but it wasn't so filtered this time. Nope, I was pretty straight forward and angry with him. It was a lot about abandonment. Not just by him, but I blamed him for the abandonment of all the people that call me "friend". Yet day in and day out I sit by the phone that doesn't ring or barely a text comes through. Day in and day out I am home with my two children and often my only adult conversation is with my very funny nanny Becca who has become more of a friend than a worker, counselor or my parents. Church people have become "obligated friends" in that they check on me out of true Christian heart. Co-workers are caring but they are co-workers. College friends are too busy or live too far away. My closest friends say they just don't know what to say and it's awkward because of my anger, depression and pain.
               So my letter to Dennis was blaming him because I have every right to be ANGRY, DEPRESSED and in PAIN but I also have every right to have GIRL FRIENDS to celebrate LIFE with. GIRL FRIENDS that can separate from their spouses and children and have fun with me. GIRL FRIENDS that can invite me and the girls to be a part of their daily lives because they truly love us. So basically, I told Dennis while he was up there on the fluffy cloud to make sure he sent me some real honest to goodness women that can withstand the storms of life with me because it isn't a bed of roses around here. Send me women that can laugh with me over stupid stuff, go out and enjoy pedicures, movies, shopping, eating with and without kids, invite us over for play dates and truly be available in the heat of the moment.
              I can no longer go through this life, 14 months later, being the lonely widow. It isn't fair, I didn't ask for it. I still have hope and joy in my life and I want badly to share this with friends but I look around and I find prayer friends, bible study friends, "hi, how are you friends", let's meet at the park every blue moon friends and people that love me but no one really that wants to or can walk my new journey side by side. This breaks my heart and the letter you are reading is much more filtered than the one he received. I long for friendships. I need it for my next step in healing. Maybe it will happen soon or maybe it will take more time but I have learned that patience isn't a virtue that I hold in my basket of gifts.