Not Immune

So it seems you can avoid catching a cold and other winter illnesses but you can't be immune to the side effects of medicines. Monday Kyleigh was added to the family diagnosis of mood disorder and given the drug Abilify but for her it is a little strong so we have to make sure she eats first otherwise she vomits badly. In addition, at the same exact time Kaitlyn begins an out of the blue fever and sore throat and is being tested for strept. It has definitely been a week here in the Foster household. But I can't complain because we have avoided the FLU and I praise GOD for that. I also am thankful that I AM NOT sick and I continue to pray it stays that way.

Thanks and keep us in your prayers.
Crystal

Christmas 2012- A Long Journey Worthwhile

It is Christmas Morning 2012 and the girls are sleeping soundly because it is still only 3:45 am. I have tossed and turned all night long and can’t seem to rest completely. I am eager to see how the girls react not only to their Santa gift but also to their gift from me. I probably did the single mother guilt overboard gift giving this year as I purchased them both a mini iPad. However, they both know how to use them and they both use mine and fight over using mine so I figured I might as well get them one their size and let them use it for their benefit. I put games and activities appropriate for each child on their tablet. They will be so excited in the morning. I also bought mom and dad their very own iPad this year and I pray they also enjoy theirs. For mamaw she is going to be thrilled with her blanket with all the grandchildren’s names and our family names on it. She will enjoy tremendously the thought it took behind such a gift. She will also enjoy just watching the girls, as their granny, she is thrilled, just to be a part of their lives and I am blessed to still have her around.

            My parents opened their “stocking bag” last night and we played the first game of Deluxe Scrabble together. It was a lot of fun. Mom beat me by one silly point. Yet, she still won fair and square. Dad on the other hand tries his best to make words that are slang sound like real words just to make his words fit on the board, it is too cute to watch and listen to him try and elicit and reason behind his thought process. Regardless, it was fun just playing a game with my parents like we did back a long time ago when I was a child still at home. I miss those days.

            We had no trouble convincing the children to go to bed because they were so tired and they wanted Santa to come on to the house quickly. My dad even fibbed and told them he saw on the radar that Santa was in Virginia headed towards Raleigh and then Greensboro. The girls were familiar with the location of Raleigh and so they quickly didn’t argue and fell fast asleep. I was able to finish their stockings and prepare their Santa gifts quickly. Santa brought them name puzzles, books with their own bear and name, sleep light pillows, and a Karaoke machine. I think I am most excited to see them use the Karaoke machine myself.

            I realize this is the 2nd Christmas we have spent the night with mom and dad. This year feels different, it feels better. I am less stressed and less emotional at this very moment. Of course that can all change in a matter of minutes but last year I was still crying constantly. I am so thankful to feel some release. I still miss the presence of Dennis on these big holidays and can’t help but think of the impact it has on the children but I stand on the promises of God that he is our Father and He will never forsake us and that maybe, just maybe, Dennis regrets his decision and he is spending this Christmas in tears wishing he could come home. 

It amazes me how far along this journey we have come as a family of three but we haven’t done it alone. In fact, we aren’t a family of three anymore. We are a mom, two little girls and a huge church family, friends, and grandparents that support us financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically the past year and a half. My girls have grown to be loved and nurtured by so many people and some even more so than myself. I have been nurtured and learned from so many women and men of God as well. My life has forever been changed.

The past year and a half I have sought out ways to punish myself for not being a good mother, for not being a wife that could intercede on behalf of Dennis and prevent the decision he made, for not being the teacher everyone expected me, for not being emotionally strong as I wanted and others expected from me after a period of grieving. I began self-injurious behaviors, attempted suicide, isolation, entered deep depression, and suffered severe panic and anxiety attacks. Some of these symptoms still plague me today but they do not define who I am. Why? Because who I am is a child of God and I am His creation. He made me wonderfully and beautiful. He doesn’t wish for me to harm myself anymore. He has plans for me to prosper (Jer 29:11). He wants me to simply rely on Him for the strength I need to cope with the panic, anxiety and depression that I face as a result of my diagnosis of a mental illness. He doesn’t wish that this keep me from sharing His word or reaching women with my story.

Instead, God has given me a clear vision of a path that shows one day I will share this painful yet beautiful journey of challenges that changed my life forever with many women so that they may also be blessed and understand that they too can be forgiven and live through tragedies that life brings their way. Until then, I wait for the whisper of the Holy Spirit to speak to me, I soak up His word like a sponge, I follow doctor orders while on medical leave of absence, I attend counseling sessions for help with my own emotional well-being, and I work hard to be the best mom that God would have me to be for my little girls. I want to be the best Jesus they ever see this side of heaven. 

Disney World

December 7th-10th we went with our good friends the Richardsons' to Disney World. We flew and stayed at the Grand Floridian Hotel on site. It was a great time for all. It was the girls first time ever and my 2nd time. We met princesses and characters at breakfast meals, we met Minnie Mouse and saw Fantasmic show, we saw Belle at her play and in person, the girls dressed as Belle at the princess breakfast, they rode rides, it was a blast for all. We are already saving to go again in 3 years. Pictures to come soon.

A New Year Has Begun

         A new school year that is! Kaitlyn and I began a few weeks ago. Teacher workdays began Aug 20th and Kaitlyn's first day of 2nd grade was August 27th! Yes, I can't believe it. Seems like yesterday I was blogging about her first day of Pre-K and here I am telling you she is a big 2nd grader walking down the hall all by herself not holding my hand, waving good-bye and if I'm lucky I get a sweet hug and kiss as she passes by me every now and then. Kyleigh began her 2nd year at Wee School, it is a 1/2 day program for preschoolers. She loves it there. She is 3 1/2 so she is in the 3 year old Dragonflies Classroom. She just started this week September 4th. She talks about Ms. Julie non-stop so that must be a good thing.
        We had a wonderful nanny and friend, Becca, all summer long that had to leave  us to go corporate for health benefits. She is still our friend but not our nanny. We were sad and everyone, including Becca (although she might not admit it) cried her last day. CPS has released weekday restrictions and that day was a weepy one too because we had grown attached to Kathy White staying the night with us. She was a great playmate and friend for the girls and a wonderful role model and night time talk companion for myself. We all cried that night as well, even Kathy or as Kyleigh says in her southern speech impediment Kafy Whiii---iiit--te.
        We were so blessed that Kathy White and DayStar worked to help us find a replacement nanny or should I say nannies for the girls right away. So now we have Ms D or (Deana) for Kyleigh in the mornings/daytime for Kyleigh and Ms. Becca aka to the girls as "Becca-Becca" for Kaitlyn and Kyleigh for afternoon car rider line and evening help at the house for me. It has been great to have the extra set of hands. Both nannies have a loving touch with children and my kids seem to have already given them the thumbs up.
        I am teaching Resource EC Special Education this year and I absolute am loving the new change in positions. The children are great and they seem to just soak up the attention they get from me and my intern. They really want to learn and that makes me happy. I enjoy going into the classrooms for inclusion and helping the teachers as well.
It is a win-win for all.
        Currently we wait for an update on the girls eyes as they have a follow-up appointment coming soon. Until then, keep thinking of us in your prayer time.

Kaitlyn's Eye

Kailtyn had surgery to implant a glaucomic shunt in her left eye on Wed, August 8th at Duke Eye center. She had Dr. M a retina specialists and Dr. Freedman the glaucomic specialists working together as a team. It was the same procedure Kyleigh had in February of 2011. Kaitlyn went back into the Operating Room like a champion and came out in Recovery the same way. She was so brave and I was so very proud of her. She experience an unusual amount of pain in comparison to her sister. However they shared the similar experience of nausea and vomiting after waking from the anesthesia. Thankfully I had Kathy White from DayStar, our children's director, with us because I do NOT handle vomit at all. Kaitlyn returned for post op the next day and found she had a corneal scratch the size of an adult contact lens. OUCH! No wonder she was in such pain. We were doing tylenol round the clock and continued this along with adding a gel-like lubricating eye drop to the regiment of already 8 eye drops a day to the left eye.
Friday morning she awoke and her eye was hurting worse and she it was not looking better. In fact, it looked worse and the lashes had goopy gross mucus on them. Not a good sign. So we call the doctors and you guessed it, we head to Duke for an afternoon appointment and see the fellow as Dr. Freedman is in surgery all day. The decision is made that she is probably having irritation from the lens and surgery itself. Her eye is probably extra lubricating and trying to force out what it sees as a foreign object - the band aid contact lens being used to repair the scratch. So they said to not worry and continue what we are doing and come back Monday.
     Except, she awoke Saturday morning and after crying through the night in her sleep she literally had her eye glued shut from the goop this time and her eye was more red and irritated. I immediate send an email and call the doctor. She calls back and asks me to send a picture of the eye. Then she said to wait and take another picture later in the day and if it doesn't look better she wants to see us at the emergency room that day at Duke. I was praying hard that we would avoid this fourth visit down the highway to Durham and praying that we could avoid an ER visit. When I sent the second picture the doctor was convinced that the eye was not infected but may be reacting to one of the drops. We stopped using one of the suspicious eye drops that could be causing an allergic reaction. We were using lubricant gel drops about every 30 minutes to an hour. We increased the tylenol to 3 chewables every 4 hours to manage the pain.
       Sunday morning, the eye has less goop but still complaining of pain and still has drainage. Unfortunately or fortunately, however you see it the contact lens came out today. Bad news is it may have come out too soon. Good news is they were thinking of taking it out tomorrow and this is one less traumatic event that the doctor will have to do to her in the office. However, this does mean I will have to add in another step of using an ointment under her eyelids tonight which is not an easy task as I can't let the tip touch her eye and she has to remain very still.
       At this time, based on Friday's visit, Kaitlyn has NO vision in her left eye. We are praying with expectancy that she will have a total healing and restored vision and lowered eye pressure in this eye quickly. Tomorrow, Monday, August 13th is another post op visit. Stay tuned for more updates.

Embracing Change...isn't an easy road

I recently made a very poor decision that I didn't think I was worthy to exist and be a mom anymore. Thankfully God saw differently. I was given the opportunity to attend His High Places again in Boone, NC for a full week of one- on- one counseling. The focus was where was all my anger coming from, what scared me so much about parenthood as a single mom, self doubt, and trusting God. My counselor was Natalie again and she is truly a gift of God sent to heal hearts. She helped me identify the roots of my anger and I found myself literally at the feet of Jesus cross and crying out for Him to heal me of this anger, to sever this sin so that it may not continue as a generational root into my children. I wantmy kids to see Jesus in me and love Christ and look back and say they knew they were loved by a Heavenly Father and Earthly Mother. I went on a nature walk with Natalie which turned into a trust walk with God. Trusting he would take care of us going down and back up from the blue hole. We took some beautiful pictures and saw some more angel rays. My confidence continued to grow as I spent time talking, reading, singing, and dancing through the word of God. Wednesday I drove back to Greensboro just to see an oncologist and get the best news that I am CANCER FREE! I was elated. The drive was well worth the good news. I returned the same evening humbled that God had once again spared me. By Friday, I had a plan for how I was ready to return hom a stronger mom and ready to unify as a family of 3. Only one problem, I am still under restriction of Child Family Services temporarily. I understand it is to keep my kids safe. I would never hurt them but the concern was I may hurt myself and they would be home alone. The good news is I have been freedom in Christ that the Shackles of Death have been removed from my feet and hands and I can dance and embrace life. I may never do it perfectly but I am ready to try and be the mom God sees and has in store for me. I think he has so much in store for me, more than I can even dream. I even feel a pull from the Holy Spirit that soon I may be on. A whole new path separate from this current one I am traveling.  The other gift God gaveme through this tragedy is He allowed me to release and truly forgive Dennis for suicide. For the first time I truly felt what it was like to be in that moment of darkness and pit and unable to turn around. I sympathize with him. I don't see him as selfish at all. I don't care what others say. I don't think he was cowardly. I think he was convinced by lies it was best. He will be missed but I have released him- soul, mind and body. He will always be my children's father and my love. But I have the freedom to move forward and that adds peace to my life. If God sees one day to send someone our way I will be very cautious but not resistant because I have released Dennis to Him. For now, my goal is to strengthen and unify the three of us as a family. Please join me in prayer that were success at this new journey now that my heart is ready.
Thank you to all who have supported in prayer, visits, calls, cards, child care, encouraging words, those that have withheld judgment, and those that continue to share life with us in this crazy life.

Cute Sayings

Lately I have been trying to identify cute sayings to remember and record from the girls.
Today was a perfect example. Kyleigh has really blossomed with her vocabulary but she doesn't always speak it in the correct way. Anyways, this morning I was taking the trash to the curb and my shadow was in the playroom eating but she realized I was not in the house. She all of a sudden came to the outside door and said, "my mommy, where are you?". I said, "I am right here". She replied, "oh tank goodness, I wuz wooking for woo everywhere". I thought that was so cute and funny. Then she proceeded to follow me around the house the entire morning until Ms. Becca arrived.

The other cute thing is between her and Kaitlyn-
Kaitlyn will you be my baby?
No, not right now Kyleigh.
Ugh...mommy, Aitlyn on't be my baby!

or....
Kait...lyn.....do woo on't to be my dog?

What?!!!

Imaginations! Yes, my kids are finally delving into the world of make believe play. It is so funny.