A crossroads---

It is that time again where I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads without a road map. What should I do? Why is it a hard choice? I once again question if working as a full time teacher, being full time mom and full time wife is really the road for me right now. Or should I concentrate on just 2 at a time. Yes, I know there are only 18 days until I can focus on 2 at a time. But, then what? What after summer vacation has come and gone. Does Kyleigh miraculously stop having doctor appointments and therapy appointments that are inconvenient to my working schedule ---- ummm NO! She is a baby and she needs to have her check ups and her therapy schedule. Should these appointments occur without one of her parents present because we have to work? Ummm....seems quite unfair! 

Prime example, tomorrow when I should be with my baby girl for her OT evaluation, I will be administering the math EOG to a group of students. Now, I have an obligation to the students I teach to be there for them tomorrow and support them through this difficult day. But I have a responsibility to the child I birthed to take care of her needs too. Roadmap or not, this example leaves me standing still in the rain without an umbrella. My only saving grace is that my mother can accompany Kyleigh to the appointment and it is at our home. But again, I feel like I should be there. 

At night I feel rushed to feed them, bathe them and put them to bed so we can rush to do it all over again the next day. WHAT??? Is this normal? Does every family in America feel this way? Does every mother that works to help support her family feel torn between helping financially and emotionally raise her family? We've looked at our finances and we could trim them to the point that it is not impossible for me not to work for one year but it would be very difficult to maintain Kyleigh's medical needs (formula, medicines, upcoming surgery and post surgery bills) as well as keep Kaitlyn in the activities that are strengthening her ability to persevere past her disabilities as well.

 So as I sit at this crossroad and look both directions - home for one year or keep pushing through and working-- I still don't know the right answer. My heart says one way and my head says another. I haven't heard God's undeniable and clear voice telling me what to do. Neither has Dennis unless he just hasn't told me and I would dare to say he would withhold such great news from me if it was given to him straight from above. 

I watch her sleeping soundly in her crib and I just melt. I hold her close as she drinks from the bottle (although a struggle it is at times) and I just can't help but want these moments to last. I look at Kaitlyn and see that she has come so far and is doing great. Then I think, "hey, Kaitlyn went to daycare and she has turned out just fine". But they aren't the same exact child either. They have many similarities in personality and health history but yet there are some differences too. 

This past week people have questioned my "feelings" at work and noted that I have been different. It is because I am so lost right now and I am not the same teacher I use to be. I don't feel like a good mom. I don't feel like a good wife. I react to this stress by eating and shopping, neither of which helps me or our finances. 

Oh well, sorry to vent on everyone but I just needed to get this off my chest. It hasn't changed anything and no decision has been made- left or right- but at least I feel better just letting it go. Now if I can just "Let go and let God" then maybe the crossroads will all work out.