Ponders of a Mother's Heart

So I have been wondering about so many different things lately related to parent hood and children. Why do some of us, wishing like others to enter parent hood with easy going children, end up with the most challenging kids? Why are children born already facing problems and behind the developmental scale? Didn't I deserve to have happy and healthy children? Don't get me wrong I know kids are going to get sick with colds and fevers. But surgery for both my girls before 6 weeks old and then several to follow is the reason I have so many unanswered questions.

I celebrate that Kaitlyn is a happy 5 year old that only seems to struggle with vision, transitions, and some social delays but otherwise is on track now. But it wasn't always so easy with her. Then along came baby sister that sent us up in a tornado of a whirlwind. She has fought through many illnesses, poor growth, surgeries and delays. Now she is a happy and for the most part healthy almost 2 year old that is just showing her differences in other ways. She can walk now, she can say a few words, and she is growing. Yet, it is not the norm.

I long for Kaitlyn to speak in fluid sentences that resound like all brilliant 5 year olds. I wish she didn't know that she couldn't see out of her one eye and that it didn't cause her struggles. I wish I could turn off the switch that ignites in her when she gets angry and frustrated or when she struggles with transitions. But I love that she can talk to me, has an appetite for any food you offer, loves books, and is eager to learn.

I long for Kyleigh to make it through an entire year with only facing colds and teething temperatures. I dream of the day she picks up a chicken nugget takes a bite, chews, swallows and asks for more with words. I pray she continues to grow in leaps and bounds and catches up with the other highly typical 2 year olds that talk, run, and eat what their parent puts in front of them. I hope she outgrows milk allergy and can eat real cake and ice cream.

These all seem so silly. But I doubt that any mom out there reading this would dare say they would ask God any less than just simply to make their children happy, healthy, and normal. When I say normal, I mean to blend in. Hardly a week goes by that someone curious doesn't say something about Kyleigh's differences to me or asks why Kaitlyn is giving them that "look". Sometimes they are people that know us well, at least I thought they did.

Kaitlyn isn't giving you a "look" when her eye turns the opposite direction. She is trying to see the details of you. Kyleigh isn't "sleepy" when her eyes are squinted, she is struggling to see and her eye lids are made like that. Kyleigh isn't a brat because she won't eat, she just didn't wake up one day like most children and start chomping on table food. Kaitlyn's giggles are silly and bountiful but they are often a means of covering up her flaws. Kyleigh is smarter than she is able to tell us right now but one day she is going to rock this world.

I guess, I needed to write this down to reaffirm that I believe in my children and their special gifts. I wish I could change their differences that hold them back and exchange them for talents to make them stronger. But the fact remains, I can't. I didn't do anything wrong while carrying them, it isn't because I was a rotten kid and they act like this because it is in their genes, it isn't because of anything negative...it just is what it is and I continually am faced with learning to accept it. I continually have to evaluate my jealous attitude towards others for having "normal", "highly typical", and "healthy" children 24/7 all 365 days of the calendar year. I long to squash that jealous monster that keeps creeping into my heart and continue to celebrate the children I have. I only have them for a little while and they won't stay this way for long.

I love my family. I love my husband and his support. I love how he interacts playfully with the girls. I love my girls and how they long for interaction with me and their dad. I am thankful for the healthy and happy times we have had this past summer. I hold my breath in anticipation for fall and winter to begin knowing that the sun only shines briefly and when that rain cloud comes I hope to be a little stronger in my faith and ready to hold up my umbrella.