A Mommy's "Time Out"

        I had to be real with myself this Sunday morning as I stood in the worship service and sang the words, "You are Good" by Bethel Church. I was convicted of a whiney heart. Yes, I, the mom that can't stand it when my children whine. The mom that puts them on their bed to think about and reflect on what they really want to say needed a "time out" today. Recently, I have been so consumed with what has been going wrong in my little world. If I was honest with myself, I have had a good old fashion pity party with me, myself and I in my bed with the covers pulled up to my head at night. But what has that accomplished really. I have vented and whined to anyone and everyone who would listen about my petty problems. The same person that just a few weeks ago scorned people for forgetting about being grateful they weren't facing real problems in this world like cancer and daily hunger and homelessness. That was me, hypocrite, a person looking for sympathy from a crowd of people that I hoped would stand in my corner and tell me I was right. I wanted, like my children, validation for my whining.

       Can I tell you something, during that song this morning, as the words flowed from my lips, I found myself pausing to confess to God that I was a whining mom and I needed a "time out". I needed a new perspective on the tough times I was facing. As the song says, "in my darkness night, you shine as bright as day" I must agree that God has always come through for me regardless if I have felt his presence, spent time in prayer, or whined like a baby because the truth is my relationship with Him isn't based on what I deserve. If that was the case then what I deserve is much worse than a "time out". But God loves me no matter what and in Him is no condemnation but total forgiveness when we come to him and confess that we have made a mistake. I confessed to Him at that moment that I was sorry for being whiney this week and that I needed Him just as much today as I have needed Him before today. I need Him to direct my path and guard me against decisions that I make out of desperation instead of out of prayerful consideration and waiting on His guidance. 

        After that I was able to really participate in worship today and release the guilt and shame I had placed on myself for being selfish this week. I am making it my anthem to follow through with the words of this song this week -- "I'll sing because you are good, and I'll dance because you are good, and I'll shout because you are good, you are good to me!" May my life celebrate with praise from my lips that no matter what in sunshine or rain that God is good to me and that circumstances of this life and people in this world do not determine my attitude. Only I can determine my attitude and I no longer want to be a "whiney mom" but instead a mom that models to her children and others how to handle the bumps of life with dignity. 

            

Our "normal"

      It's been a while since I have written to you as an audience. I have been re-writing my book and taking some time to reflect on life. We have been busy in the Foster household this year. Kyleigh turned 5 in December. It was a wild celebration day as it was a high of 66 degrees while we played at the Little Gym. Quite different from the previous four years of ice and snow with temperatures freezing. Unfortunately she still had very few friends show up at her actual party this year and they couldn't blame it on the weather this time so I must admit I was disappointed but she didn't seem to mind, as she still smiled and had fun. That's the beauty of being a child, they don't seem to be bothered by the same things that us adults get all worked up about. In fact, she was just happy to be able to jump around to music and eat cake!
      Shortly after her birthday of course we celebrated Christmas with my family in Thomasville and then again in Lexington, SC. My niece, Amber had come in from Ohio and so we traveled to see her and it was a great visit and meal by my sis-in-law. Which, may I congratulate her on becoming a registered nurse as well - Elizabeth Kelsey-Maynard, LPN-RN -- Whoop! Whoop!! So very proud of all her hard work! (I hope I put all of the initials in there correctly, I am sure she will tell me if I didn't).
Then just a few days later, after packing like a mad woman, my church family came and moved us from our home to a 2 bedroom apartment just 10 minutes down the road.
       Yes, that is correct--I sold our home and we moved on December 28, 2013! It was totally a God thing as the house went on the market right before Halloween, went under contract November 25th and signed on January 3rd. Talk about a quick sell! We are settled now in our cute little apartment. I am happy here. In fact, it is nice to have less space to take care of, a maintenance crew to call when things break and need fixing. The girls share a rather large bedroom, they were able to keep their own beds. Both bedrooms have a walk-in closet, which for an apartment is a great accessory. There is a patio and storage area attached to my room. We also have a little sunroom off the living room that works as a play area too. It is just enough space for us. The girls were able to remain at their current schools and that was also important to me. Kaitlyn is very attached to her teachers and other staff at Pearce and they love her. Kyleigh is in preK and changing her now would be very difficult. I am still on medical leave with the state department.
         I am working on re-writing the book that I self published. I am excited about the opportunity to attend the SheSpeaks conference in July with Proverbs31 Ministries. I hope to meet with a publisher and get my name out and possibly if it is meant to be get a contract. I want to return back to the work force but I have no idea what that looks like for me right now. I do know that it doesn't look like returning to full time teaching. So until the door opens and I have a clear cut answer, I wait and I pray and I write.
        I have come off of most of my medications. I am doing very well medically speaking. I am using Essential Oils now to help manage my migraines. They are helping me tremendously as well as going to the chiropractor once a month. I believe there is a connection between your health and your spine. I also believe that we have moved away from using healing treatments of the past that were proven to work such as Essential Oils. I truly believe and I can say from experience that if Frankincense Oil was good enough for baby Jesus then it is good enough for me to use to control my migraines. Trust me when I say it along with the combination of other oils has helped keep me away from emergency rooms and pain killers since Thanksgiving! I am so grateful for learning about this natural way of treating migraines.
         Another major thing that has occurred since my last entry is that we have reached our "normal". What does that look like? What does that mean exactly? I remember hating it when people said to me back in 2011, "you will find your new normal one day". I just wanted to punch them and scream. Honestly, I wanted to say to those people, "So when you woke up today were you hoping to find a new normal?". Of course not, no one wants to find a new "normal". Re-doing life is hard and painful and for lack of a better word- it sucks! I remember sitting with a close friend from church and we tried so hard to come up with a word to describe how hard this journey was going to be and there was not a single word in the thesaurus that fit better than "sucks". I didn't want "new normal". I just wanted things to go back to how they were before May 13, 2011. I wanted my "normal". Come to find out in this journey of healing that I have been on, my life before 2011 wasn't "normal", it was far from normal and it wasn't healthy. I had to endure a lot of growing since that awful day. My children are still dealing with the after effects of that day. But the good news is we are reaching "our new normal".
        I remember the day very clear. It was January 8, 2014 and we were walking across the parking lot of the grocery store to the car. We had just returned back to the car from going inside to use the restroom and we were holding hands, interlocked, and swinging our arms back and forth as we walked. There was a slight breeze in the air and the sun was shining just so through the clouds as if the rays were wings of angels. I could almost hear singing. Right then, at that very moment a smile crept across my face and a giggle bubbled up from inside my soul to my lips and out of my mouth. My girls and I skipped to the car hand in hand as if this is what we have always done our entire lives. Just us three, together. It was NORMAL. We were Happily "even" after the storms of life had tried to take us down.
There you go--I gave you a little glimpse into my book with that last sentence. I hope you are smiling with me right now knowing that we are doing just fine.

Blessings from the Foster Girls!

A Change of Pace

As of June 14, 2013 I will no longer be employed by Guilford County Schools. I am going to be staying home. I will be mom, volunteer at school and church, and whatever else this new path leads me down. I am excited about the change and nervous at the same time. It is going to be challenging to live on such a tight budget but I know we can do it. I am taking a huge leap of faith and trusting God to meet our needs as He hasn't let us down in the past.

Choosing to Believe

          I have begun a study on Jonah: Navigating Life's Interruptions by Priscilla Shirer and it is absolutely wonderful. Of course, I know the Sunday School version of Jonah and the big fish but delving deep into the story of who Jonah was and who God changed Jonah by allowing an interruption to become a divine intervention in his life is a whole different story. After reading today the study asked of the readers to write in the margins something we depend on God for in our lives. My answer was that I am totally dependent on him to meet my needs for finances, help me in raising my girls and making decisions that impact our family.
          Before praying I decided to listen to my new Phillips Craig & Dean CD "Breathe In". The song "I Choose to Believe" is on this CD and I had never heard it before today. But when it played my dining room/living area became a praise and worship ground for Christ as well as an altar of prayer. Here are the lyrics but I encourage you to seek out the song for yourself to hear them sing it so you can worship too.

Verse 1 
Didn't take long for my whole world to change
One phone call now life will never be the same
It's like I'm watching my whole world go dark
Nothing makes much sense but still with all my heart

Chorus
I choose to believe
And never give up hope
God is good 
He's in control
I'll keep the faith, and trust in His ways
And even when His face is hard to see
I choose to believe

Verse 2
It's easy to believe when everything goes our way
But we're all gonna go through fires that test our faith
Life hurts so much that we can hardly breathe
We're begging to know why? But it's such a mystery

Chorus

Even when my world is shaken
even when my heart is breakin'
Even when it seems He's takin' so long

Chorus 

      As verse 2 began I found myself on my knees before God thanking him for being there the past two years and not giving up on me when I was frustrated and giving up because things weren't and hadn't gone my way. My faith had been tested in a way I never imagined it could be and I thanked him for pulling me out of the pit of fire and back into the safety of His arms. Truth is He never promised me a life without trouble and pain so it shouldn't have been a shock that life can and does hurt so bad that it takes your breath away. I will never have my answer to the question of why. After a lot of praying I found that God met me right in my kitchen today. I hope you can join me and emphatically say, "I Choose to Believe", if not then consider finding out how loving my God is and make the choice to follow Him today.
       

Not Immune

So it seems you can avoid catching a cold and other winter illnesses but you can't be immune to the side effects of medicines. Monday Kyleigh was added to the family diagnosis of mood disorder and given the drug Abilify but for her it is a little strong so we have to make sure she eats first otherwise she vomits badly. In addition, at the same exact time Kaitlyn begins an out of the blue fever and sore throat and is being tested for strept. It has definitely been a week here in the Foster household. But I can't complain because we have avoided the FLU and I praise GOD for that. I also am thankful that I AM NOT sick and I continue to pray it stays that way.

Thanks and keep us in your prayers.
Crystal

Christmas 2012- A Long Journey Worthwhile

It is Christmas Morning 2012 and the girls are sleeping soundly because it is still only 3:45 am. I have tossed and turned all night long and can’t seem to rest completely. I am eager to see how the girls react not only to their Santa gift but also to their gift from me. I probably did the single mother guilt overboard gift giving this year as I purchased them both a mini iPad. However, they both know how to use them and they both use mine and fight over using mine so I figured I might as well get them one their size and let them use it for their benefit. I put games and activities appropriate for each child on their tablet. They will be so excited in the morning. I also bought mom and dad their very own iPad this year and I pray they also enjoy theirs. For mamaw she is going to be thrilled with her blanket with all the grandchildren’s names and our family names on it. She will enjoy tremendously the thought it took behind such a gift. She will also enjoy just watching the girls, as their granny, she is thrilled, just to be a part of their lives and I am blessed to still have her around.

            My parents opened their “stocking bag” last night and we played the first game of Deluxe Scrabble together. It was a lot of fun. Mom beat me by one silly point. Yet, she still won fair and square. Dad on the other hand tries his best to make words that are slang sound like real words just to make his words fit on the board, it is too cute to watch and listen to him try and elicit and reason behind his thought process. Regardless, it was fun just playing a game with my parents like we did back a long time ago when I was a child still at home. I miss those days.

            We had no trouble convincing the children to go to bed because they were so tired and they wanted Santa to come on to the house quickly. My dad even fibbed and told them he saw on the radar that Santa was in Virginia headed towards Raleigh and then Greensboro. The girls were familiar with the location of Raleigh and so they quickly didn’t argue and fell fast asleep. I was able to finish their stockings and prepare their Santa gifts quickly. Santa brought them name puzzles, books with their own bear and name, sleep light pillows, and a Karaoke machine. I think I am most excited to see them use the Karaoke machine myself.

            I realize this is the 2nd Christmas we have spent the night with mom and dad. This year feels different, it feels better. I am less stressed and less emotional at this very moment. Of course that can all change in a matter of minutes but last year I was still crying constantly. I am so thankful to feel some release. I still miss the presence of Dennis on these big holidays and can’t help but think of the impact it has on the children but I stand on the promises of God that he is our Father and He will never forsake us and that maybe, just maybe, Dennis regrets his decision and he is spending this Christmas in tears wishing he could come home. 

It amazes me how far along this journey we have come as a family of three but we haven’t done it alone. In fact, we aren’t a family of three anymore. We are a mom, two little girls and a huge church family, friends, and grandparents that support us financially, spiritually, emotionally, and physically the past year and a half. My girls have grown to be loved and nurtured by so many people and some even more so than myself. I have been nurtured and learned from so many women and men of God as well. My life has forever been changed.

The past year and a half I have sought out ways to punish myself for not being a good mother, for not being a wife that could intercede on behalf of Dennis and prevent the decision he made, for not being the teacher everyone expected me, for not being emotionally strong as I wanted and others expected from me after a period of grieving. I began self-injurious behaviors, attempted suicide, isolation, entered deep depression, and suffered severe panic and anxiety attacks. Some of these symptoms still plague me today but they do not define who I am. Why? Because who I am is a child of God and I am His creation. He made me wonderfully and beautiful. He doesn’t wish for me to harm myself anymore. He has plans for me to prosper (Jer 29:11). He wants me to simply rely on Him for the strength I need to cope with the panic, anxiety and depression that I face as a result of my diagnosis of a mental illness. He doesn’t wish that this keep me from sharing His word or reaching women with my story.

Instead, God has given me a clear vision of a path that shows one day I will share this painful yet beautiful journey of challenges that changed my life forever with many women so that they may also be blessed and understand that they too can be forgiven and live through tragedies that life brings their way. Until then, I wait for the whisper of the Holy Spirit to speak to me, I soak up His word like a sponge, I follow doctor orders while on medical leave of absence, I attend counseling sessions for help with my own emotional well-being, and I work hard to be the best mom that God would have me to be for my little girls. I want to be the best Jesus they ever see this side of heaven. 

Disney World

December 7th-10th we went with our good friends the Richardsons' to Disney World. We flew and stayed at the Grand Floridian Hotel on site. It was a great time for all. It was the girls first time ever and my 2nd time. We met princesses and characters at breakfast meals, we met Minnie Mouse and saw Fantasmic show, we saw Belle at her play and in person, the girls dressed as Belle at the princess breakfast, they rode rides, it was a blast for all. We are already saving to go again in 3 years. Pictures to come soon.