So I have started this blog entry a million times over in my head but just now getting around to writing it all down. So many questions running through my head since May 13, 2011. Sometimes I find myself answering the question in my own head and other times waiting as if God is going to speak through a burning bush and tell me exactly what I want and need to hear.
I wrestle with the whole concept of you are never given more than you can handle comment that I have heard so much the past weeks. Really?? This kinda goes back to my previous entry a year or more ago about the 90/10 principle. How 90 % of what happens in life is how you react to the 10% unpreventable. Still don’t believe it.
How can the God I loved for so many years think I could be strong enough to handle so much in such a short amount of time, or is it God? I don’t think it is God but then why hasn’t he intervened, or has he? I don’t believe my God makes bad things happen. I wonder why they happen and why he doesn’t fix it for my happiness. I wonder why he didn’t intervene and prevent it being “all knowing” that he is and all. But then I remember that there is another power at work in our lives and he works against us all the time, a demonic power. And just maybe this time the demonic forces are sitting back laughing and thinking they have me and my family right where they want us-vulnerable, scared, and alone.
Well, I am vulnerable, scared but not all alone. I have my family surrounding me. My mom, dad, brother, sis-in-law, best friends, church and community. I am lonely without the love of my life by my side. I am scared of what the future holds for me and my girls. I am vulnerable waiting on doctors to mend my brain. I am subject to crying at a moments notice over anything, weeping with my children or smiling while I listen to their innocent giggles.
I don’t know what the next hour holds for me. I don’t think Dennis did this on purpose or willfully. He would never leave me despite the lies in my head daily that say, “he left you alone to bear this burden”. He loved me. He loved his children. He was an amazing father and husband. But to Dennis he was alone. My prayer is that no one else ever endures the pain he felt that led him to the decision on May 13th that forever changed my life. My prayer is that even I will reach out in my darkest hours. I promise myself to keep going but I can’t wait until I spend eternity with the man I was meant to grow old with.
I continue to be amazed by the outpour of love and support to me and my family. I ask that you still give us time to cope and me to heal before too many visits. Thank you for the monetary help, food, cards, and most of all love.
Sincerely,
Crystal
