Longest Day of Year

Today has been another long day --- seems like May 13th just drags on and on forever when all I want is for it to be over--- I was so hoping it was all just a nightmare ...a bad movie that I was watching and finally turned off and would find Dennis beside me today all along...but instead one year later I put my girls to bed crying again, I lay down alone with tears streaming, and I wish my life hadn't changed so drastically. It feels as if I am
watching a movie of someone else's life on a movie and it is terrible. I feel sick for the
main character, I want to rush in and rescue her but I don't know how. I keep thinking, I'm so glad that isn't me. And then I come back to reality and realize, it isn't a movie...it's my life and I"m living it. Unlike others that have spouses that travel occasionally and find themselves struggling to do it alone for a while, I find myself struggling daily for the
rest of my life and this was not my choice. I never married and brought children into this
world knowing that my husband would one day check out and choose suicide over life. It's not like he chose a career that takes him away from the home for days,weeks,or months at a time. I never agreed to be a single mom. I didn't want this life without him. Now, I have to relearn how to trust that God has a new plan for my life, one without Dennis and one
that has my girls and I prospering and each day a little less painful. Until then, I hold my
breath and wait for May 14th, tomorrow, and hope it feels different from today.