Longest Limo Ride and Most Somber

A year ago today two long black limos pulled up in front of my home and escorted my family into them one at a time. We drove to the funeral home early that morning to view the body of my husband before his cremation. I was the first to get to spend time with him in his room alone. He was dressed in one of his finest dress suits and his favorite Snoopy tie. He had that smirky "April fools" grin on his face. He still looked like my Dennis yet so still. I was extremely numb at first. I stood just looking at him while tears streamed down my face. Then I reached to touch him and found he was so cold. Who knew they had kept him frozen? I didn't realize that was part of the process. He had his wedding band on and they were going to remove it before the actual cremation later in the day. It only took me a few minutes before I was able to finally start talking to him. I actually had a full on one way conversation with him. I yelled and screamed and whispered and cried and asked so many questions, of course he didn't respond. It was more for me to just get it out of my heart. I was so broken. I walked out and into the arms of my brother and father. I sent my mother in law in to see him next.
          It didn't take long for the wailing and screams and cries of loved ones to take over the entire hall. I couldn't handle the emotions of every one else so I left the hall for a time. One by one the family members entered in to see him one last time and say their goodbyes. Then we loaded back up and went home for a time period of lunch and rest. Of course, I wasn't hungry. It seemed I couldn't eat during those days. My appetite for food had shut completely down.
          We were scheduled to receive friends and family at DayStar church prior to the Memorial Service at Grimsley High School. In preparation for the reception we were provided dinner for immediate family in the dining hall. I tried to eat. The girls did attend this event. Once we finished eating I took Kaitlyn to see the flowers they purchased for Daddy and the slideshow into the church sanctuary. It was a very somber occasion. Kaitlyn handled it well at first and then she began to weep and cry for her Daddy so we quickly left the room to see her sister and the rest of the family. The girls went to be with our children's minister and to our home since the service was going to be late.
          The receiving line at the church seemed to linger on forever. There were so many faces. Some I knew and some I didn't but it didn't matter. They were amazing and loving. So many hugs and tears. I was first in line and then my mother in law. At times we had to sit down because it became so overwhelming. After a while the funeral director had to turn people away and send them to Grimsley so that we could be on time for service. We loaded back into the limo and drove across the street in drizzling rain. My heart seemed to stop beating for a moment.
          I walked down the aisle of that long corridor into the Grimsley High School auditorium with music playing and almost 1800 guests standing while my brother held me tight. I think he practically carried me up that aisle that day. I sat down and thought to myself, this isn't happening, I can't really be here right now, on this day, May 17th 2011. My husband, Dennis J Foster, Jr isn't really on that slideshow picture screen right now and this isn't a service to honor his life because he can't be dead. The song "It is well with my soul" began to play after the words of wisdom were shared by friends and prayer and slideshow. I cried and weeped and held onto my brother. I looked about and saw all the faces of the auditorium. I was so overwhelmed with the support of people in the room.
        It is a year later, I know that some of the same people in that room still miss Dennis and love him. I know that my heart is still broken and being put together piece by piece. We are still healing, the girls and I. It is a long and steady process. It is a healing process that has been compared to that of a burned victim that has to scrub the burn occasionally so that it will keep healing or it will set up infection underneath. This is so hard. It is definitely the hardest thing I have endured in my life. That limo ride was not one of fond memories. It is one I wish to forget among many from the year of 2011.
        Your prayers and love are still needed.
Still leaning on God's promise of Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans for hope and a future".