Faith

This Christmas is a little different around my house.  But one thing remains and that is the tradition of Christmas Eve service at church. This year the sermon was about humility and how it plays a role in the story of Jesus. It was also about faith.  My favorite part of the service is always the end with the candlelight and singing of Silent Night. But this year, as I began to sing, I choked. Tears flowed down my face as I attempted to sing. I just let them. I am holding on to that word faith as we move into Christmas and the New Year. The pastor said that “we have to have faith and believe that Jesus has everything I need”.  Those words have been echoing through my mind these last few weeks. No matter the current circumstances, no matter my fears, Jesus is everything. During a recent time spent with my dad, he told me this is where faith comes in. We must make the decision to believe that God is working all things out for our good. For me, that means He is working out all things for my family and close friends. Other than my own plans for Christmas tomorrow, I really don’t know what the future brings. My prayer right now is that God will help me with my faith. I will work to be humble and have faith.  

Merry Christmas everyone!

Decisions- Just do the next right thing!

How many decisions do we make a day? Internet sources indicate we make around 35,000 decisions a day! Whoa! How many of those decisions are made based on parenting? As a mom, single mom, I feel like most of those decisions revolve around my parenting. From the moment of conception, we had to start making decisions. I have been thinking a lot about decisions lately and how our decisions can predict our outcomes. I have made decisions of-

Disposable vs Cloth

Bottle vs Breast

Vaccines vs Unvaccinated

Baby Wise vs Intuition

Cry it Out vs Cry with

Timeout vs Spanking vs losing privileges

Public school vs Private school vs Charter school vs Homeschool

Working career vs Stay at home

and the list goes on and on.

                What I am learning along the way is that there really isn’t a wrong or right answer to these choices. I chose for each kid at the time what I thought was right. The saying, I did the best I could at the time. This is true. At times I wish I could change some of these decisions but not because of regret but rather because I wonder how the different choice would have changed things. I have learned to take criticism and suggestions with a grain of salt. That my own motherly instincts are usually close on target. I am grateful for the women and men in my life (mainly my dad) that speak truth into me and are there when I need advice. Sometimes I am afraid of making the wrong decision.

                Did allowing them to cry it out (most of the time) lead them to a life of anxiety and trust issues? Did vaccination change the metabolic system and leave them susceptible to disorders? Did spanking my children when I was angry cause damage to them. Let’s be honest, I was never calm and deliberate with this form of punishment. Hence, why I stopped a long time ago. Did not spanking send them the message they could run the roost? Is working full time preventing me from being the mom they need? And on and on and on the debate goes in my head. Rarely do I switch to the positive when debating my decisions. However, at the end of the day I believe with my heart that I have done the very best I could at the time.

                My latest decision was placing my oldest in residential care in TN. I have debated with myself over and over again if that was the right decision. Did I do everything possible to prevent this from being the solution? Did I exacerbate all other options before relenting her to placement? Is this what is best for her or should I be researching and advocating for something else? The answer to all of these questions lies not in the answer themselves but in my faith.

                I am coming to realize that I need faith. I must trust that the God of my understanding loves me and loves her. I must believe. After all, that is what faith is all about. Believing in that which we can not see or understand. I believe we can make mistakes and yet God will take care of it. So, if this decision turns out to be the wrong one, God can change it too.

                In another post I mentioned my support system. There have been countless prayers, calls, texts, and acts of kindness in relation to this last decision. I have felt and appreciated every single one of them. I often don’t know the answer for “how can I help” because I don’t really know what helpful right is now. So just keep praying and loving on us the best you know how. That’s all anyone can do- the next right thing.

God's Got This

When you take on the responsibility of becoming a parent and raising children, there’s certain things that go along with that. Such as sleepless nights, tantrums, sick days, and bills. But you can never be prepared for being the parent of a child born with special needs. When your child has a disability your whole outlook on parenting changes. Those early years I just floated through each developmental change. When we reached a milestone, I cheered loudly for both of my girls. Once they were both in school, I just knew the tough years were behind me. What I didn’t anticipate was that trauma would enter our world and change our lives forever. I didn’t know that I would sink into deep depression or that at age 8 my beautiful oldest would be diagnosed with a mental illness. Years and years of medical trials with medications and hospitalizations and we would get some sort of semblance of a “normal” life again. I know that my own depression impacted the relationships between myself and my friends and my children. I didn’t realize that my own inability to deal with trauma would cause more problems for my kids. I wish that I could go back and change that. But what comes next, the years after regaining myself, is something that I can barely describe. You would think that given I have kids with disabilities and a huge church and family that my support system would be enormous. The crazy part is that is exactly the truth. I have had family and church support me and my girls 100 percent. The other truth is that sometimes it is hard to know how to support and help. Right now I am walking a hard road with my oldest. I know many have said it is just the teenage years and it is to be expected. But it is not just the teenage years. Sure, sometimes it is teenage hormones and stubbornness. But then there is the behavioral component and the resistance to therapy for psychiatric needs. So, while I am enjoying Christmas movies on Hallmark, and cocoa with marshmallows, it is definitely not the Christmas season I was hoping for this year. She is in another state in yet another residential program. I am heart broken. I am her mom. I should be able to manage her at home. Love conquers all, right? No. I love her so much but it isn’t enough right now. The truth is that my support system can’t live with me and help me with her 24/7. As a single mom of kids with special needs, I find my friends narrowing. So many pray for us and do nice things for us but no one can live this with us. I miss having dinners with friends, having friends that are constantly in our lives, vacation friends, Saturday night friends, just a phone call away for fun friends. The truth is being our friend is hard right now. It is hard to accept our trials. It is hard to be around us. I don’t fault anyone for not being able to fill that position. I am grateful for the call me in an emergency friends and the I am praying for you friends. We need lots of prayers right now. This stage of her life is harder than the last. I am trying not to wish time away but I am wishing for happier times.  

So, in the meantime, I will remind myself that the God I believe in is either everything or He is nothing. So. I must trust in God and ask him to help me with my unbelief. God- I know you got this! I give my children to you, my life to you, and my hearts’ desires to you.